CURRENT ISSUE 9/14/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Musing With Mitch Probe Interview Probe Poll Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Ask Zarxnol The premier child psychologist on his home planet Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. Dear Zarxnol, Our son Cody used to be a loving and peaceful child until his fifth birthday, when his uncle bought him a toy military rifle. This rapidly became Cody's favorite plaything. He takes it everywhere he goes, pretending to shoot anything that moves "Bang Bang! Dead!" His new-found aggressiveness is even starting to cause trouble in pre-school. We've tried taking the gun from him, and tried buying him other toys to play with, but nothing seems to dissuade his desire to shoot. Is 5 years old too early to have a toy gun? Is he too young to understand the consequences of shooting a real gun? Please, Zarxnol, help us! Baffled in Boca Raton Baffled: Pretend gunplay is a very difficult and important topic in a child's life. How a child plays with toy guns will greatly influence his attitude toward the use of live firearms as an adult. Cody needs to be taught as quickly as possible the consequences of pretend gunplay in a way he can understand. Firearms, especially the piffling lead-spitters you humans refer to as "guns," are the tools of the weak. They allow an otherwise inferior specimen to disable or permanently eliminate a stronger, faster and/or smarter unarmed opponent. The damage to the natural order of dominance these bullet-spewing devices of de-evolution cause is all around you. Your great animals such as tigers, lions and giant bears have had their numbers decimated in order for your pathetic, hairless, bipedal species to make the areas your natural Earthly masters once called home more suitable for yourselves. Humans! Fahh! Pathetic creatures -- all of you! You eliminate your woodlands, squandering camouflage, nourishment and renewable fossil fuel in order to erect shopping malls and housing complexes in which you plant your flabby, pocked, ever-widening backsides, exercising only your thumbs with remote controls and video games! Further, you dullards consider this muscle-atrophying, brain-devastating, time-wasting behavior "progress"! Laughable! Truly, were I not here to observe personally this folly you wretches call "modern living," I would write off such reports as fanciful dreck! So, Mr. and Mrs. Fled, to answer your imbecilic question - by all means teach your Cody the "proper" use of a firearm as quickly as possible! Yes! Show him that satisfaction can be had at the touch of a button and pull of a trigger! Absolutely, raise your freckly faced scion in a culture that considers self-discipline and strict social order "uncool"! Please, Baf and Baffi, make sure that Cody is so fat, lazy, slow, and stupid with convenience that my legions can conquer the world he is to inherit without suffering a single casualty! Xargol will reward me greatly, indeed! HA! I cannot help but laugh when I ponder how easy you cretins will make my conquest of this planet! I am positively GIDDY! Next Question, Peons! Zarxnol Dear Zarxnol, Our 6-year-old daughter wakes up grumpy and despondent every morning. Despite all our efforts to cheer her up, she just won't turn that frown upside down. Can you help us? Concerned in Calgary Concerned: May I call you Connie? PthththAHAHAHA! Oh, I am still beyond amused contemplating the cakewalk that will be the takeover of your Earth. Perhaps this will help. Assure your daughter all the cares and concerns she may be harboring are but trifling and temporary. Tell her that, with each passing day, a better future awaits her. For each successive sunrise shall bring your lovely daughter one day closer to the dawn of the Reign of Zarxnol, Liege of Xargol, Warrior-God Most High! Our victory is a certainty, the time required to train my Armies From the Sea being the only hindrance. Inform your darling moppet that her future is assured under the merciless rule of the Xargolian Empire, most likely in the capacity of slave or livestock. Perhaps that will bring a smile to her precious little face! Indeed, it works wonders for me! Your Lord-and-Master-In-Waiting, Zarxnol Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com (Translated by Carl Knorr)
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