North Korea Issues Price List for
Pretend Acts of Cooperation and Openness
PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - After the revelation that the
2000 "Sunshine" meetings between the presidents of North Korea and South
Korea resulted from a massive South Korean bribe and did not in fact
signal a change in the North's belligerent stance, North Korean officials
have issued a list of standardized prices for pretend acts of openness and
cooperation. "The price of a presidential meeting on North Korean soil
with simulated open, cooperative and sane behavior remains at $200
million," said one official. "But don't expect us to throw in those
family-reunion photo ops next time. That was a one-time deal-sweetener."
The list price for allowing brief reunions of families separated by the
Demilitarized Zone is $5 million per family. The official was quick to add
that, for that price, "North Korea is willing to briefly pretend to give a
shit about the millions of Korean families" separated by the North's
The prices for other phony gestures of rationality ranged from $1
million for "agreeing to omit calls for the destruction of the United
States from a presidential speech" to $1 billion for "pretending to back
off from a virulently confrontational military stance for a month" --
which, the brochure added, "is very valuable around election time."
Regarding pretending to back off from the threat of nuclear war, the
official merely chuckled and said, "Oh, add a zero, for starters.
And our revered leader (North Korean President) Kim has a butt cheek
each for the imperialist dogs
(U.s. President George) Bush and (South Korean President) Roh
Moo-hyun -- so they should be prepared to pucker up."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)