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9/16/03

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North Korea Issues Price List for
Pretend Acts of Cooperation and Openness



PYONGYANG, North Korea (DPI) - After the revelation that the 2000 "Sunshine" meetings between the presidents of North Korea and South Korea resulted from a massive South Korean bribe and did not in fact signal a change in the North's belligerent stance, North Korean officials have issued a list of standardized prices for pretend acts of openness and cooperation. "The price of a presidential meeting on North Korean soil with simulated open, cooperative and sane behavior remains at $200 million," said one official. "But don't expect us to throw in those family-reunion photo ops next time. That was a one-time deal-sweetener." The list price for allowing brief reunions of families separated by the Demilitarized Zone is $5 million per family. The official was quick to add that, for that price, "North Korea is willing to briefly pretend to give a shit about the millions of Korean families" separated by the North's totalitarian practices.

The prices for other phony gestures of rationality ranged from $1 million for "agreeing to omit calls for the destruction of the United States from a presidential speech" to $1 billion for "pretending to back off from a virulently confrontational military stance for a month" -- which, the brochure added, "is very valuable around election time."

Regarding pretending to back off from the threat of nuclear war, the official merely chuckled and said, "Oh, add a zero, for starters. And our revered leader (North Korean President) Kim has a butt cheek each for the imperialist dogs (U.s. President George) Bush and (South Korean President) Roh Moo-hyun -- so they should be prepared to pucker up."


(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)



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