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Rush Chalks Up Dismal Record Sales to Shitty Songs

TORONTO (DPI) - After more than 25 years of touring and recording, Canadian progressive rock band Rush realized this week that their albums don't sell very well because they suck.

"We used to blame our low record sales on music critics slamming us or thinking that most people aren't intelligent enough to appreciate us," said the band's bassist, Geddy Lee. "Instead, we've come to realize that the problem all along has been our shitty music."

Lee found a ready example from the band's catalog. "I mean, have you ever listened to any of our stuff?" he said. "Back in the '70s, we did a song called '2112' that takes up an entire fucking side of an album. You could paint a room in the time it takes just to listen to that vinyl turd, and you'd be happier doing it. I listened to it last night, and man, it was painful to me -- and I fucking wrote it."

Drummer Neil Peart agreed. "We also realized that none of our songs have any melodies," he said. "Ever hear somebody singing a song like 'This Land Is Your Land' or 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand'? You can sing those songs because they have a melody line, a catchy tune. On the other hand, have you ever heard anybody on the elevator humming 'Tom Sawyer' or 'Farewell to Kings'? Not fucking likely, because it's impossible to do. All of our songs are in fucked-up time signatures like 5/4 or 12/8 or 17/6, or a combination of 'em all. Shit, I can't even tap my foot to any of our songs, and I'm a goddamn professional drummer."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

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