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9/17/02

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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Nick Nolte

Dear Nick,

I like the night life. I like to boogie. My wife doesn't, and when she does, her dancing is kind of embarrassing. Should I tell her, or keep bringing her out with me?

Dancin' in Daton

Dear DID,

I don't fucking know, man. Your ol' lady don't like to dance? Boo hoo. I've got real problems, man. I mean, look at this police photo of me. It's gold! Fuckin' gold, man! And they won't let me use it as my head shot, the fuckers! They're re-making Barfly, and I'd be perfect, but all my headshots are all glamorous and shit. This would totally get me the part, but nobody cares about ol' Nick. Well fuck y'all. If I was Nick DOWNEY, or Nick SHEEN, you'd be all over me. Fucking jackals.

Nick Nolte

Dear Nick,

I recently met a great guy. The only problem is he enjoys his libations a little more than me. Should I mention it, or just let it go?

Worried in Washington

Dear WIW,

Oh, I get it. Jus' cause the guy likes to have a few bevvys all of a sudden he's a bad guy? Huh? Typical. Jes' fucking typical, man! Y'ever think that maybe the guy's under some pressure? Huh? No, of course not. For all you know, the guy's got some agent breathing down his ass, saying shit like, "You should do Prince of Tides 2! Or 48 More Hours! That Eddie Murphy's hot!" Well fuck him! Eddie Murphy's a goddamn punk fucking bitch! You think he'd be doing this well if it wasn't for me? Fuck no. Little bitch. Yeah, I saw Showtime, punk! You suck! I didn't see Pluto Nash, but no one else did either! You're nothing without me, you punk little...ah shit...what was the question?

Nick Nolte

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)