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9/17/02

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Line Up, It's "Fuck Frank Haskins Day!"

by Frank Haskins


Come one, come all, yep, you guessed it, it's official: Today is "Fuck Frank Haskins Day." Fuck Frank Haskins Day began bright and early today, when my boss ripped me a new one this morning. Getting passed over for a promotion three times in a row hasn't really been humiliating enough for me, so I sure was glad to have the old man dress me down in front of everybody at our weekly team meeting. But hey, like I said, today is Fuck Frank Haskins Day, so when in Rome...

But wait, Fuck Frank Haskins Day was just getting under way. There was the phone call from my attorney, informing me that not only was my soon-to-be-ex-wife going to get the house, but she was also going to be able to claim both of the kids as dependents on her tax return this year as well. He also informed me that I get the privilege of receiving half of her goddamn charge card debts too. So kids, that means that not only do I get to pay for 50 percent of the motherfucking home Cybex machine and Clinique cosmetics that I never saw, but I get to pay for it at 21-fucking-percent department store charge card rates.

Yessir, Fuck Frank Haskins Day was turning out to be a major success. I could go on and on about the day's festivites, but I don't want to bore you. Let's just say that Fuck Frank Haskins Day concluded with a lecture from my sister about my lack of communication skills, a new and unexpected body part getting pierced on my daughter, and my Discover Card getting declined at my usual watering hole. So all in all, Fuck Frank Haskins Day has been a huge hit. There's still time, so if you'd like the opportunity to fuck Frank Haskins, and I mean fuck him good and hard, go for it, asshole. Take a number.



(Reported by Miles Walker, Graphic by Brandon Carr)



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