CURRENT ISSUE 9/17/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Bill Gates Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	September 17, 2002 Technical Problems Continue to Plague Cubicle Idiot ST. LOUIS (DPI) - Roland Vales of CyberDyne Corporation reports continued computer-related difficulties that prevent him from utilizing his newly downloaded sounds. "Last week, it was the speakers that suddenly stopped working, right after I downloaded a whole bunch of new noises," Vales said. "It turned out the wires had suddenly gone missing. Once I got that fixed, the very next day I found my sound card had somehow worked its way out of the port and gotten covered with coffee. Strange." Vales' mouse, keyboard and monitor have all suffered unexplained outages recently, coinciding with his return from training classes in the e-mail and voicemail systems. (Reported by Martin Bredeck) Tom Ridge's New Retail Store a Big Hit (Graphic by Kevin Wickart, Jim Rosenberg) Network Cancels Sitcom Yet To Be Thought Of LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In what will go down as the quickest and harshest cancellation in television history, ABC executives from the year 2034 time-traveled to the present day to prevent the births of the creative team responsible for that year's disastrous sitcom, President Gerbil. The sitcom, about a blind Secret Service agent guarding a hip-hop talking gerbil accidentally elected U.S. president, was responsible for millions of deaths. While many have questioned whether time travel technology could be used more judiciously, an unnamed network exec responded by noting, "Look, this thing starred a 66-year-old Gary Coleman as the Gerbil. Trust us on this one." (Reported by Davejames) Researchers Discover Person Not Changed By 9/11 BAYAN ULGII, MONGOLIA (DPI): Hanginy Sumya, a Mongolian goatherd, shocked researchers when he stated that his nomadic desert life had not been changed in the least by the events of Sept. 11, 2001. "I live in my yurt and herd my goats, same as last year, the year before, and the year before that. Did something happen I should know about?" Sumya asked. "Don't tell me Nyamsuren's goats have the mange again!" Researchers are next heading to India and China to investigate unsubstantiated rumors of 2.3 billion additional unaffected people. (Reported by Joseph Moore) Official: "Forget Iraq, Fix Fifth-Floor Bathroom" MIAMI (DPI) - A low-level Department of Justice official has told the Daily Probe that before the administration takes on the task of invading Iraq and ousting Saddam Hussein, all appropriate government resources should be devoted to replacing the little plastic handle on the paper towel dispenser in the fifth-floor bathroom of the Miami Federal Courthouse. "First things first," said the official. "Without that little plastic knob, the bare metal handle has been giving me a blister for going on five months now. You wouldn't even need a U.N. resolution or the French or anything." (Reported by Slick Sharkey) Elected Officials Struggle to Replace Enron Campaign Donations WASHINGTON (DPI) - With many corporations gun-shy about making the massive campaign donations by which Washington's elite have traditionally funded their lifestyles, elected officials on both sides of the aisle are admitting to really missing that Enron money. "Man, I've really had to cut back since this Enron scandal broke," lamented one Democratic senator on condition of anonymity. "I'm down to two interns and one mistress. Fuck." Republicans also were feeling the pinch. "That asshole Lay just had to get greedy," said one unnamed Cabinet member. "He couldn't be satisfied with eight-figure compensation. He had to shoot for nine figures and screwed it up for all of us -- and after all we've done for him." (Reported by Joseph Moore) Fish Protest Wrappings in Revamped Rolling Stone McDonald's to Enforce No-Fry Zone on Iraq Scientist Discovers Mr. T's First Name is "Gerald" 7 Injured as Rumsfeld's Rhetoric Catches Fire, Explodes Gary Coleman Pips Tom Green in Hollywood's Most Influential 900,000 List Coalition Against Suburban Gangsta-Talk Adds "Bling-Bling," "Straight Pimpin'" to Watchlist Report: Ashcroft Slipping New Executive Powers Under Bush's Pillow as He Sleeps Nevada Asks for "Munchies" Subsidy House Panel, Weirdo Seek Probe of Martha Stewart Man Eats Shit, Dies More headlines Line Up, It's "Fuck Frank Haskins Day" Identical Twins Forget Which is Which New Klan Guy Won't Stop Talking About Race Johnson & Johnson Targets Fake-Wound Market NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (DPI) - In an effort to boost sagging sales, Johnson & Johnson introduced two new products this week: Box of Scabs and Burn-in-a-Bottle. Box of Scabs allows consumers to simulate horrible flesh wounds without causing physical pain or permanent damage, while Burn-in-a-Bottle is a "hyper-tanning agent," according to a company official Ruby Alewife enthusiastically recommended the products, saying, "My boss let me leave early three days in a row. People cannot tell the difference." Johnson & Johnson marketing manager Rafael DiTomasso said that the company would also be rolling out two more new products in the near future: Smashed Thumb brand black fingernail polish for kids, and Gang-Green leg appliqués. (Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Graphic by Brandon Carr) Terrorist Partygoer Threat Averted MIAMI (DPI) - Alert Jacksonville bus-stop waitress Marlene Francis, using Operation TIPS, the federal government's new terrorist-reporting program, aided the FBI in preventing a threat to Miami by Brett "Moondog" Harkens, Jonathan "Mirror Man" Strickland and Gort McKivney. The three, members of a secretive campus organization at Florida State University, were overheard threatening to, among other things, "totally tear the fuckin' city down, man," "make the beaches our own, dawg!" and "leave a trail of panting women in our wakes," apparent references to a terrorist attack of some kind. The trio were stopped doing 105 on Alligator Alley, and drug-sniffing dogs were reportedly called to the scene. (Reported by Brian Jones) Fox News Shifts Strategy NEW YORK (DPI) - Roger Ailes of the Fox News Channel announced today that, effective immediately, the Fox News Channel would report and decide. "We now have a larger viewership than CNN and MSNBC," said Ailes. "We will report. We will decide. Any questions? Good, I didn't think so." (Reported by Jim Rosenberg) Bush Denies "Saddam On Grassy Knoll" Tape Faked Gore Vice Presidential Library Opens in Nashville Starbucks "xXx" Key Grip Really Into End Credits of "xXx" Paleontologist Finds Love Through Carbon-Dating Service Opinion: Cinnabon's "Let's Roll!" Campaign Last Fucking Straw Killer to Plead "Frostee Brain Freeze" Defense NFL Week Three Preview: Have You Checked Your Buttcrack for the Remote? Bush Smirk, Cheney Sneer Join Clinton Pout in Facial Tic Hall of Fame 14-Month-Old Snoop Dogg Protege "Poopy D" Signs 7-Album Contract CAPS LOCK UNLOcked Tyson Still Batshit
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