September 17, 2002
Technical Problems Continue to Plague Cubicle Idiot
ST. LOUIS (DPI) - Roland Vales of CyberDyne Corporation reports continued
computer-related difficulties that prevent him from utilizing his
newly downloaded sounds. "Last week, it was the speakers that suddenly
right after I downloaded a whole bunch of new noises," Vales
said. "It turned out the wires had suddenly gone missing. Once I got
that fixed, the very next day I found my sound card had somehow worked
its way out of the port and gotten covered with coffee. Strange."
Vales' mouse, keyboard and monitor have all suffered unexplained
outages recently, coinciding with his return from training classes in
the e-mail and voicemail systems.
(Reported by Martin Bredeck)
Tom Ridge's New Retail Store a Big Hit
(Graphic by Kevin Wickart, Jim Rosenberg)
Network Cancels Sitcom Yet To Be Thought Of
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - In what will go down as the quickest and harshest
cancellation in television history, ABC executives from the year 2034
time-traveled to the present day to prevent the births of the creative
team responsible for that year's disastrous sitcom, President Gerbil.
The sitcom, about a blind Secret Service agent guarding a hip-hop talking
gerbil accidentally elected U.S. president, was
responsible for millions of deaths. While many have
questioned whether time travel technology could be used more judiciously, an
exec responded by noting, "Look, this thing starred a
66-year-old Gary Coleman as the Gerbil. Trust us on this one."
(Reported by Davejames)
Researchers Discover Person Not Changed By 9/11
BAYAN ULGII, MONGOLIA (DPI): Hanginy Sumya, a Mongolian goatherd, shocked
researchers when he stated that his nomadic desert life had not been changed
in the least by the events of Sept. 11, 2001. "I live in my yurt and herd
same as last year, the year before, and the year before that. Did something
happen I should know about?" Sumya asked. "Don't tell me Nyamsuren's goats
have the mange again!" Researchers are next heading to India and China to
investigate unsubstantiated rumors of 2.3 billion additional unaffected
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Official: "Forget Iraq, Fix Fifth-Floor Bathroom"
MIAMI (DPI) - A low-level Department of Justice official has told the
Daily Probe that before the administration takes on the task of invading
Iraq and ousting Saddam Hussein, all appropriate government resources
should be devoted to replacing the little plastic handle on the paper
towel dispenser in the fifth-floor bathroom of the Miami Federal
Courthouse. "First things first," said the official. "Without that
little plastic knob, the bare metal handle has been giving me a blister
for going on five months now. You wouldn't even need a U.N. resolution or
the French or anything."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Elected Officials Struggle to Replace Enron Campaign Donations
WASHINGTON (DPI) - With many corporations gun-shy about making the massive
campaign donations by which Washington's elite have traditionally funded
their lifestyles, elected officials on both sides of the aisle are admitting
to really missing that Enron money. "Man, I've really had to cut back since
this Enron scandal broke," lamented one Democratic senator on condition of
anonymity. "I'm down to two interns and one mistress. Fuck." Republicans
also were feeling the pinch. "That asshole Lay just had to get greedy," said
one unnamed Cabinet member. "He couldn't be satisfied with eight-figure
compensation. He had to shoot for nine figures and screwed it up for all of
us -- and after all we've done for him."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Fish Protest Wrappings in Revamped Rolling Stone
McDonald's to Enforce No-Fry Zone on Iraq
Scientist Discovers Mr. T's First Name is "Gerald"
7 Injured as Rumsfeld's Rhetoric Catches Fire, Explodes
Gary Coleman Pips Tom Green in Hollywood's Most Influential 900,000 List
Coalition Against Suburban Gangsta-Talk Adds "Bling-Bling," "Straight
Pimpin'" to Watchlist
Report: Ashcroft Slipping New Executive Powers Under Bush's Pillow as He Sleeps
Nevada Asks for "Munchies" Subsidy
House Panel, Weirdo Seek Probe of Martha Stewart
Man Eats Shit, Dies
Line Up, It's "Fuck Frank Haskins Day"
Identical Twins Forget Which is Which
New Klan Guy Won't Stop Talking About Race
Johnson & Johnson Targets Fake-Wound Market
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (DPI) - In an effort to boost sagging sales, Johnson &
Johnson introduced two new products this week: Box of Scabs and
Burn-in-a-Bottle. Box of Scabs allows consumers to simulate horrible
flesh wounds without causing physical pain or permanent damage, while
Burn-in-a-Bottle is a "hyper-tanning agent," according to a company
official Ruby Alewife enthusiastically recommended the products, saying,
"My boss let me leave early three days in a row. People cannot tell the
difference." Johnson & Johnson marketing manager Rafael DiTomasso said
that the company would also be rolling out two more new products in the
near future: Smashed Thumb brand black fingernail polish for kids, and
Gang-Green leg appliqués.
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Graphic by Brandon Carr)
Terrorist Partygoer Threat Averted
MIAMI (DPI) - Alert Jacksonville bus-stop waitress Marlene Francis, using
Operation TIPS, the federal government's new terrorist-reporting program,
aided the FBI in preventing a threat to Miami by Brett "Moondog" Harkens,
Jonathan "Mirror Man" Strickland and Gort McKivney. The three, members of a
secretive campus organization at Florida State University, were overheard
threatening to, among other things, "totally tear the fuckin' city down,
man," "make the beaches our own, dawg!" and "leave a trail of panting women
in our wakes," apparent references to a terrorist attack of some kind. The
trio were stopped doing 105 on Alligator Alley, and drug-sniffing dogs were
reportedly called to the scene.
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Fox News Shifts Strategy
NEW YORK (DPI) - Roger Ailes of the Fox News Channel announced today that,
effective immediately, the Fox News Channel would report and decide.
"We now have a larger viewership than CNN and MSNBC," said Ailes. "We
will report. We will decide. Any questions? Good, I didn't think so."
(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)
Bush Denies "Saddam On Grassy Knoll" Tape Faked
Gore Vice Presidential Library Opens in Nashville Starbucks
"xXx" Key Grip Really Into End Credits of "xXx"
Paleontologist Finds Love Through Carbon-Dating Service
Opinion: Cinnabon's "Let's Roll!" Campaign Last Fucking Straw
Killer to Plead "Frostee Brain Freeze" Defense
NFL Week Three Preview: Have You Checked Your Buttcrack for the Remote?
Bush Smirk, Cheney Sneer Join Clinton Pout in Facial Tic Hall of Fame
14-Month-Old Snoop Dogg Protege "Poopy D" Signs 7-Album Contract
CAPS LOCK UNLOcked
Tyson Still Batshit