CURRENT ISSUE 9/17/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Bill Gates Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto A note to my sisters: For the next four weeks, we will be featuring four of my potential interns. Since I cannot bear the thought of sitting in a room with these barely-pubescent "men" in order to interview them, I have ordered the four finalists to complete reviews for me. This will not only give me a window into their character (what little character a man can possess!) but it also will give me a nice sabbatical to prepare for the coming semester, when, for the first time, I will have to deal with having disgusting penis-bearers in my classes. Lilith help me. Feel free to send me whatever feedback you deem necessary, as this will assist me in not having to read these wretched compositions.   Stealing Harvard By Derek McCluskey,    Commerce Major    Rating: 0 stars    Not only is this a terrible film, but it sends the worst possible message to young people wishing to attend the finer schools despite their lack of ... standing. Jason Lee plays a man who makes the foolhardy promise to his niece that if she gets into college, he will pay the tuition, which in of itself is somewhat noble for a middle-class guy to promise. But then this trailer-trash kid goes and applies to Harvard, where she has no business applying in the first place, and upon acceptance (apparently the kid is some sort of brain or something) Lee finds himself enlisting the help of his friend Tom Green to steal the money to pay for tuition. Why? Because the little ingrate doesn't have the money herself, and her trashy mother (played by one of the fag-hags on Will And Grace) won't get off of her food-stamp collecting ass to make the money to send her. Folks, allow me to be frank: We don't need to encourage the lesser classes to commit crime, as they seem to be doing a fine job all by themselves. And why should barrio-dwellers be entitled to the finest education -- which translates to the finest jobs and the finest women -- simply based on the fact that they have a brain in their head? I mean, come on, people, knowledge is knowledge, and whether you go to Yale, Princeton or DeVry, 2+2 still equals 4! The reason the good schools are good is because they separate the bottom-feeding children of Joe-Six-Pack from kids from better stock, like myself! The only reason I'm at this glorified community college of a so-called university is because Daddy is an idiot! He decided he wanted to "stick it out" at WorldCom instead of bailing! Now we're broke, living in this puny five-bedroom shack of a house in Canada so he can fight extradition! Damn you, Daddy! I lost Yale, I lost my Beemer, and now I've lost my respect for you! When you get old and incontinent, I've half a mind to abandon you to Medicare! Don't think I won't! Anyway, Stealing Harvard has some laughs, and any movie where Tom Green gets his nuts chomped on by a dog can't be all bad. But morally, this movie rates about the same as that pathetic liberal-love-fest Wall Street.
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