September 19, 2005




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September 19-23,
2005


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Today's News


Breakthough in Iran-EU Nuclear Talks: France Pronounces X's, Iran Stops Enriching Uranium


TEHERAN, IRAN (DPI) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has proposed a compromise that, if accepted, could put an end to the standstill in ongoing nuclear proliferation talks with the European Union. According to the terms of the compromise, if France will start pronouncing all of their final consonants — especially the x's — then Iran will cease enriching its weapons-grade uranium. The speaker for President Ahmedinejad explained the new ultimatum: "Look, there are many purposes for enriching uranium — be they for peaceable energy generation or for building a nuclear arsenal — but what is the deal with the silent consonants?" The speaker contests that France has wasted more resources in the last 500 years writing, printing and typing the characters in question than Iran could ever hope to save by building a nuclear power plant. "If France can prove they need those flipping final x's more than Iran needs clean and renewable energy," he continued, "then we will begin to see eye to eye."

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)


Singers' Hair Care Commitments Derail Jacko's Relief Single

MANAMA, BAHRAIN (DPI) — Michael Jackson's plans to record a star-studded We Are the World-style single to raise funds for victims of Hurricane Katrina have been postponed due to what a spokesperson called a "a rash of personal grooming conflicts across the music industry." Jackson's proposed recording session has run smack into the four-month celebrity hair washing season. Every A-lister the King of Pop has phoned from his Bahrain hideaway — Gwen Stefani, Lenny Kravitz, Mary J. Blige and others — has bowed out due to prior plans of rinsing and repeating through year's end. Only Stevie Wonder will stay out of the shower until 2006 but insists that he must keep his calendar clear for "airport runs" in case a buddy should decide to fly in unexpectedly.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)




Biker's Hand Signals Useless on Everyone Who Passes Him

COLUMBUS, OHIO (DPI) — Bike riding enthusiast Paul Williams has decided to continue his use of hand signals while riding his bike on city streets. It is a bold move, as absolutely no car drivers understand what the hand signals mean. "It's still the courteous thing to do while bike riding," explained Williams during a leisurely ride along a 40 mph street. "All the drivers who have to cross the center line in order to get around me don't understand what I mean when I shoot my arm straight in the air and make a lasso motion. I can tell a lot of them get really mad at themselves for not knowing the hand signals." One such driver commented during an abbreviated interview, "Get the fuck out of the street! You're slowing down traffic, you fucking asshole!"

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Headlines


Bush Takes Responsibility for 1 of 963 Mistakes Made as President

Nagin Finally Taken Down With Tranquilizer Dart

Senators Uncertain Roberts Is Senile Enough for Bench

Reminder: Karl Rove Still A Treasonous Douchebag

Heidi Klum's Seal Pup Promptly Clubbed by Paparazzi






Probeatorials


Come On! You Call That
a Low Approval Rating?


A guest Probeatorial
by Former President Harry Truman

Thirty eight percent? After all that has happened in the last five years, Bush's approval rating is almost 40 percent? That's pathetic!

When this guy was elected I danced a happy jig. (Not literally, of course, because I'm six feet underground. But you get what I'm saying.) I was sure my dishonorable record was finally going to be broken.

In January 1952, I hit the lowest rating of any president in the history of modern polling numbers, with a shameful 23 percent of Americans approving of my leadership. I am totally undeserving of this record. Okay, so Americans were getting killed in a far off country. And I suppose the Korean War was "bogged down" and soldiers were getting killed for the sake of achieving "intangible goals." But come on, you try waging a war against a billion goddamn Chinese. Those bastards just keep coming!

Bush has the same thing going on and he's still 15 points up on me. I ended World War II! I was in charge during the largest economic boom this country has ever seen! I rebuilt Europe, for Christ sake! This asshole can't even get his social security reforms passed. And after Iraq, Katrina and a peppy pseudo documentary highlighting his stupidity, he still hasn't broken my record!

Mr. President, I implore you: Keep screwing up. Nominate a Neo-Nazi to take O'Conner's spot on the bench. Invade Portugal. Murder a philanthropic nun with your bare hands. I don't care. I won't get another chance like this until at least 2012 when your brother Jeb gets elected.


(Transcribed by Scott Haworth)







Today's Daily Probe Special Feature


The Mass Media Responds to Frequently Asked
Questions Regarding Hurricane Katrina Coverage


Daily Probe: Why is the focus so concentrated on New Orleans? Didn't Katrina actually make landfall in Mississippi?

Mass Media: Although the center of the storm actually landed fifty miles east of New Orleans in Mississippi, New Orleans has suffered the greatest damage due to the failure of the levee system. Also, where New Orleans was a vibrant world-renowned vacation destination, historical enclave and cultural refuge, it is now a brackish, fetid, disease-infested, death-plagued swamp. Before Katrina, Mississippi was mostly an undeveloped, backwater, poverty-ridden shithole. Now, it's a wet, undeveloped, backwater, poverty-ridden shithole. Do you think Wolf Blitzer is going to put extra hair gel in his beard for that?

DP: There seemed to be an undercurrent of racial bias in your reporting regarding looters. Minorities tended to be depicted as opportunistic hedons, whereas any Caucasian person breaking into a store was merely providing for his or her family. Where does one draw the line between survival foraging and criminal theft?

MM: In retrospect, one could conclude we displayed a discernable subconscious bias. If you sensed an inherent racial discrepancy in our characterizations, we sincerely apologize. As for the second part of your question: It doesn't matter what color your skin is, if the first store you broke into was a Circuit City, you're a fucking looter.

DP: How did your reporting teams stay safe, your reporters so well-groomed, your vehicles fueled, and your cameras powered when all civil services were nonexistent?

MM: Respectively — burnt offerings, sacrifices, ritual dances, and elves.

DP: Did you have to send Geraldo?

MM: We know that there is no reporter throughout the broadcast pantheon that the viewing public would rather see amidst a disaster of this caliber than Geraldo Rivera. Wait, he survived? Shit!



(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)





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