September 21, 2005
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Today's News
Hamlet to Ophelia: Do Something Already!
Elsinore, DENMARK (DPI) - Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, criticized Hurricane Ophelia for her indecision, and called on the storm to decide on a course of action. "Oh what a rogue and peasant storm is she," said Hamlet. For days Ophelia has meandered off the Carolina coast, unable to decide whether and where to make land fall. Prince Hamlet condemned the storm's inaction, calling her "a drab, a scullion," and demanding that Ophelia, "Get thee to the coast already!" Hamlet declared, "the cone of error's the norm, wherein we'll catch the conscience of the storm."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Mayor Nagin Allows Bare Tits to Return to New Orleans
NEW ORLEANS (DPI) - Another milestone in the rebuilding of New Orleans was reached today as Mayor Ray Nagin signed an order allowing the return of breast-exposing women to the storm-beleaguered city. "Just as operational electricity, water and sewage systems are vital to the functioning of our city, so is the presence of young women with bouncy, perky, naked titties," commented Nagin. "After all, when you think of New Orleans, the first things that come to mind are Louis Armstrong, great Cajun food, and drunken, sloppy, co-eds flashing their funbags." Nagin also added that he hoped to reinstate street fighting, prostitution and other hedonistic traditions of New Orleans by the end of the month.
(Reported by Gus Harris)
Bones Narrowly Defined Hit of the Season
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) – Critics are raving that Bones is the best new investigative forensics show premiering before 9:00 p.m. on the Fox network this season. The producers of Bones attribute the show’s success to its all star cast. David Boreanaz (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel) plays agent Seeley Booth, who recruits a young forensic scientist to help solve murders. The scientist, played by Emily Deschanel (absolutely nothing), quirkily prefers spending her time with dead humans rather than live ones. Despite the spectacular reviews, Fox is developing several shows to assume the time slot just in case Bones gets cancelled. Possible replacements for the cutting-edge network include shows about NYPD officers, medical workers in a busy hospital, or an animated show about a moronic father and his family.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Headlines
FEMA Director Resigns, Detained as Enemy Combatant for Alleged Connection to Unnamed "Arabians"
Bush Vows Disaster for All Major US Cities
Mayor Nagin Announces City Reopening Campaign: Get Off Your Ass and Visit New Orleans, Right Fucking Now!
Bush: Oops, Meant to Say "Disaster Review"
UPN Premiers New Cancelled Shows This Week
James Carville Costume Leader in Early Halloween Sales
In-Depth
Secret White House Conversations -- REVEALED!
The Daily Probe has uncovered transcripts of several private White House conversations. What follows are a couple of samples.
August 22, 2005
President Bush: Jeez, my poll numbers keep falling through the floor, and Iraq's going all medieval on my ass. How'm I gonna distract everybody now??
Karl Rove: I've got it, sir. Somebody get one of our religious guys on the line and have 'em say something totally batshit. The New York media will eat it up!
August 23, 2005
Rove: Mr. President, turn on the Today Show, I think you're gonna like this.
[From the television]
Matt Lauer: Pat Robertson concluded his remarks, saying, "Tune in tomorrow for the rest of the list of people Jesus wants us to assassinate!" And now here's Katie.
[click]
Bush: Great, how many more Supreme Court justices is that gonna cost me?!
Rove: That's next week's problem. Now somebody kidnap another pretty white girl, stat!
(Reported by Simon Peter)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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The Daily Probe Poll Today's Poll examines reconstruction plans for the Gulf Coast. Who should be in charge of Gulf Coast reconstruction? Local government - 44% Federal government - 48% Halliburton - 6% What should be the first part of New Orleans rebuilt? French Quarter - 46% Residential neighborhoods - 33% House of the Rising Sun - 18% How should the government pay for New Orleans reconstruction? Spending cuts - 35% Repealing tax cuts - 31% Iraqi oil revenue - 33% President Bush will: Repair the region and his legacy - 21% Botch the recovery and enrich his cronies - 34% Run up a $200 billion bar tab on Bourbon Street - 45% (Reported by David Kass) |
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