September 23, 2005
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Bush Mythos Suffers Another Blow; His Shit Stinks
ALEXANDRIA, VA. (DPI) - President Bush suffered what may prove to be a fatal blow to his previously impenetrable persona of earthly perfection earlier this week at a fundraiser in suburban Washington. Due to a communication device operating on the same radio frequency as the assembly hall's wireless PA system, Secret Service Agent Joel Velsnic inadvertently informed some 300 of the President's most ardent supporters that Mr. Bush's shit does indeed stink. "With all due respect, Mr. President," stated Velsnic while on duty protecting Bush in the men's room backstage, "God DAMN that's nasty. Granny-fuck-a-monkey but that's foul." Bush's trademark snicker could also be heard echoing in the background between Velsnic's desperate gasps for oxygen.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Minesweeper Champion Bound For Iraq
MITCHELL, S.D. (DPI) - Mitchell resident Marcus "Buddy" Ellis isn't your typical corn farmer. He was the last farmer in South Dakota to update his operation with new computers, but once he did, he found he had a real knack for the computer game known as Minesweeper. "It just comes natural to me, I don't even have to think about it or nothing," reported a beaming Ellis, who last week became the South Dakota All-State Minesweeper champion. Asked what he plans next, Ellis replied, "Well, anybody can grow corn, so I'm doing the patriotic thing and joining the Army. I'll be training for the bomb disposal unit. Should be a cinch. Hell, the numbers tell you where the bombs are, you just gotta flag 'em and bang, you're done! I can clear a 30x16 grid in under five minutes, so I should be back from Baghdad in no time."
(Reported by Charles Gulledge)
Execs Devalue Spears' Midriff by $7.2 Million Following Caesarean
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Jive Records executives held an emergency meeting today to discuss news that superstar Britney Spears' trademark midriff was breached during delivery of her baby boy, Preston Michael Spears Federline. Industry experts have long attributed two-thirds of Spears' 75 million records sold to her oft-exposed navel, so rumors that her days of low-rise jeans and baby-doll T's were finished sent a wave of panic through the music business. "Britney's undeniable MILF appeal will prop up sales at least until she stops breast feeding," explained a label insider, "but, let's be honest, her career was built on those delicious, pre-Federline abs." After learning of Spears' caesarean, Lindsay Lohan was said to have promptly changed into a halter top.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Headlines
Confused Bush Allocates Millions to Reinforce Eugene Levy
Kim Jong Il Will Dismantle Nukes For U.S. Barbershop Technology
NASA to Return to Moon to Retrieve Aldrin's Missing Car Keys
Bush-Clinton Tag Team Challenges Red Cross to Fundraising Cage Match
Jury Awards Deceased Vioxx User's Widow Eleventy Gagillion Bazillion
Dollars Bush: NFL's Houston Texans Doing "Heckuva Job"
Daily Probe Interview
| Judge John Roberts |
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With his nomination as Chief Justice all but assured, the Daily Probe wanted to get to know John G. Roberts Jr., and sat down to ask him about something other than the law.
Daily Probe: Good evening, sir.
Roberts: One of the things I have prided myself in is not coming to an early conclusion on whether or not an evening is "good" before actually examining the merits of the evening itself. But at the same time, if I find myself in a setting where many others find themselves having a good evening, based on established precedent of what constitutes "enjoyment," "enjoyable" or "good," I am not the type of person who flies in the face of that consensus. If I see no real holes in the declaration of "good" by others in a like situation, then I, too, will say it is "good." There is no real reason to overturn the millenia-old concept, no matter how fluid and subjective, of "good." The real problem comes from determining what "evening" is. It is very loosely defined as "the latter part and close of day." While it is apparent, or, I should say, it should be apparent, when evening is in full flow -- all reasonable people, for example, will agree that 9:00 p.m. is evening -- or when an evening is at a close, it becomes trickier to determine when evening begins. Sometime in the post-afternoon period, certainly. But what about five o'clock on a long summer day where the sun will be out for quite some hours? Again, this determination is not something that should be entered into without a time-consuming examination of the facts around it. Is there an established evening meal, for example? This is a fairly reliable indicator. One assumes that during the evening meal, or after it, it is truly evening. But what about before? Again, not something that can be spoken to without careful measure. Accordingly, I am comfortable saying, speaking hypothetically and without the full picture in front of me, in this situation, that most individuals who found themselves in a similar situation would feel "good evening" is a proper response to your inquiry.
Daily Probe: Amazing. Simply amazing. Well, sir, that took up all of our time. We wish you well.
(Transcribed by Davejames)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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