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9/24/02

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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Gene Simmons of KISS

Dear Gene:

I've been dating this girl for about a year now, and she's great. Just one problem...even though I like to...visit her downstairs...a lot, it's like pulling teeth to get her to return the favor. How do I let her know that I want some more oral action?

Fellatially Frustrated In Fresno

Dear FFIF:

That's a big problem, and I understand. For some unknown reason, my tongue has always been in demand too, not that I mind! In my new issue of Gene Simmons' Tongue magazine, there's a great article that addresses that same issue, so rather than rehash it here, why not subscribe? Although one free tip I'll give you is that there might be some funk down there. Fortunately, I've just released a new line of KISS body deodorant that can take care of that for you. And remember to practice safe sex. You can order our entire line of KISS condoms at my website, as well as KISS lubricant, KISS lingerie, KISS edible underwear, KISS body paint, and KISS scented massage oil. And to give your bedroom that extra special ambience, you can order my special KISS blacklight bulb, which is perfect for illuminating my new line of KISS blacklight posters, KISS curtains, KISS area rugs and KISS extra-special limited edition figures, produced in association with McFarlane toys. One last thing, if things should not go as planned, make sure to take advantage of the new line of KISS home pregnancy tests we've just released, as well as our new KISS morning-after pill or KISS maternity wear. Of course, we recommend that even after getting the results of the KISS home pregnancy test, which is 71-percent accurate, you should definitely see a doctor, but fortunately there's new KISS Army of approved doctors available in 36 states who can administer tests with or without KISS makeup, depending on your mood. These doctors are KISS-certified and use only products endorsed by KISS, including the KISS tongue depressor (available in extra-long), KISS stethoscope and limited-edition KISS speculum. Good luck!

Gene

Dear Gene:

I used to be a drummer in a popular rock band. Now our former frontman is marketing the hell out of us. He's got our picture on more things than Krusty The Clown! He's gone batshit! How do I get him to stop!

Catboy

Dear Peter:

Look, Criss, I know it's you. Tell you what, why don't you kiss my official limited-edition KISS ass? By the way, "Beth" was our worst song. Tell you what, I'll release a new Official KISS Whining Pussy figure. Three guesses which one of us it will look like. No, smartass, not Frehley.

Gene

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)