White House: Tranquilizers Not Used on Rumsfeld
WASHINGTON (DPI) - White House officials are denying they shot
tranquilizer darts into Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld to protect
Congress from him on Wednesday. "There is no truth to
the rumor that Secretary Rumsfeld was advancing on Congress to 'rip the Armed
Services Committee a new one' if they didn't speed up their vote on
military use against Iraq," said administration aide Melanie Baustista.
"We shot the secretary because he was suffering from a headache, and it
has long been on record he prefers to receive his aspirin in this
(Reported by Davejames)
Child-Beating Monster Claims: "I'm No Monster"
MISHAWAKA, Ind. (DPI) - In a public statement Saturday, the woman
universally recognized as a monster after a surveillance camera caught her
beating her 4-year-old daughter insisted she's "no monster." Madelyne
Gorman Toogood, 26, said, "I'm really more of a devil
or, you might say, a stupid dumbass moronic pinhead. If I wasn't so goddamn
wouldn't have dyed my hair so that people wouldn't recognize me while
I hid for over a week before turning myself in so I didn't get, you
know, arrested or jailed or anything." Toogood hopes to make it up
to her daughter with ice cream, stuffed animals and
less frequent beatings.
(Reported by Mark Neibuhr)
Homeland Security Working to Crack Al-Qaeda "Ecret-Say" Code
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced
that his department has nearly cracked the secret code used by Al-
Qaeda operatives to communicate via e-mail. "Our guys are on the
case and we feel we're nearing a breakthrough," he said.
According to Ridge, Al-Qaeda's next attack will involve driving Cool
Whip-laden go-carts into a Chuck E. Cheese pizza parlor in Paramus,
N.J. "We just have to figure out the exact date -- and we're pretty
sure we'll have that when we crack a few scattered phrases like 'ying-
flay essons-lay,' 'uilding-bay,' 'icago-Chay' and 'in-Laden-Bay'."
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Beautiful Co-Ed Fails to Distract Professor From His Homina Homina Homina
EAST LANSING, Mich. (DPI) - The presence of an impossibly attractive
young woman in the third row of Michigan State University humanities
Professor Evan Smith's class failed to distract him from his duties of
teaching homina homina ohfortheloveofGOD this week, Smith said. Despite the
young woman's silky blond hair, soft soothing gaze and midriff-baring
outfits, Smith was well able to uddyuddyuddyuddy hooboy. Never veering from
his topic of physical anthropology, Smith told colleagues he would be perfectly
okay continuing to ah-OOO-ga ah-OOO-ga
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
John Mellencamp's Kids Tired of Small Town
JACKSON, Ind. (DPI) - While living in small-town
America has endeared rock musician John Mellencamp to
millions of rural fans, it's no picnic for his two
kids, Todd and Tiffany Mellencamp.
"We were going to move to Malibu, but then Dad's song
'Small Town' became a big hit. So now he's obligated
to stay here or his fans will call him a sell-out,"
complained Todd, 17. "We're the only house on the block
that doesn't have hubcap wind chimes. We can't
even get cable."
Added 15-year-old Tiffany, "It's not like Dad
really lives here anyways. Most of the time, he's off
with Willie Nelson at some Farm-Aid benefit."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Miss America Revises Timetable for Creating World Peace
Beard Artifact from McDonaldzoic Period
German Guy Punctuates Story with "Air Umlauts"
Helmeted, Sunscreened Toddler Eats Bug
Study: No, You Can NOT Get a Whoop-Whoop
Goth Chick Secretly Loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Ashcroft Seeks Authority to Beat Some Jesus into Muslims
Saudi Government Okays Hooters on Its Soil
Village Alarmed by Doc Frankenstein's "Missing" Flyers
Conflict Escalated by Tactical Release of "C" Word
Suburban Cops Show to Debut This Fall on Fox
Personality Test Reveals Man as "Intuitive Asshole"
It's Official: No Comparing Apples to Oranges
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Using a computer model to study the results of a
staggering 914 billion attempts, UCLA researches have finally determined
that it is impossible to compare apples to oranges, no matter how often
people try. "As they are considered the most common fruits, one would think
that at some level a comparison could be made," said researcher Jonathan
Kolvain. Instead, he said, the apple acts as anti-matter to the orange,
opposite right down to levels which can not be measured. "In fact, once
subatomic science progresses, these haphazard apple-and-orange comparisons
could move from the silly to the destruction of the universe itself."
(Reported by Davejames)
Rosie O'Donnell Quits Magazine, Concentrates on Invading Poland
American in Europe Remains Accidentally Skeptical
PARIS (DPI) - By missing the mandatory daily viewings of Fox News for
the past year he has been working abroad, Craig Walker now finds himself
mistakenly questioning President Bush. "I didn't realize it was a
federal crime to ask someone if they thought Bush was handling the
crisis well," said Walker. He posed his question to a tourist from
Cleveland, who sought help from other Americans in his tour group to pummel
Walker with their fanny packs. Although Walker survived his punishment as
the attackers quickly became tired and then dictracted by a nearby
McDonald's, his American passport will be revoked.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)