CURRENT ISSUE 9/24/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Taco Bell Chihuahua Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by J.J. Krueger   Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, the new movie starring Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu and directed by some dude named "Kaos," the director of like no other movies and whose real name is Wych Kaosayananda. How fucked up is changing your name to "Kaos" just because you're like a big-time movie director? That's totally stupid. He could at least pick like a better name or something, but I guess "Wych Kaosayananda" is like totally a fucking mouthful. Him and M. Night Shayamalan should totally go to restaurants and like make the hostess pronounce their names on the loudspeaker. That'd make a totally cool documentary film -- I should like e-mail those two about it, but I get like totally brilliant ideas like that all the fucking time, man. I should like write them down or something so I don't forget. Anyhow, Ballistic stars Antonio Banderas as this like super-secret agent or something, and then he has to totally fight Lucy Liu to like save the world or something. That sounds totally stupid. If it was up to me, I'd like have them shoot each other in the first five minutes and then totally have the rest of the movie feature hot strippers doing huge bong hits (the hot stripper part was my roommate Dobie's idea, and I gotta say it's a totally genius plot twist -- way to go, Dobie). I asked Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, what she thought of that idea and she, no shit, told me to "fuck off" for the first time like ever. She's still totally pissed that I got to take the whole summer off to be a roadie and then get my job back, totally no problem. Now she wants to like go to France or some shit and Dean, who's everybody's boss, won't let her go right now because we'd totally be short-staffed. So I got her a t-shirt made and left it on her desk that says, "JJ was a roadie for ClubFist all summer and now I can't go to France or some shit, and like all I got was this fucking t-shirt" and I thought her head was totally going to pop off. Now I'm like officially "on her shit list." God, I hate Karen. As soon as I'm promoted to assistant manager though, she'll have to quit giving me shit all the time. They said Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever has plenty of violence but I totally bet you there's no way in hell that Lucy Liu takes it off, so I just can't recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 1 J out of a possible 8 Js. So till next time, see you kids at the flix. Confidential to Greg S., Baltimore MD: No, YOU SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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