September 26, 2005
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Black No Brownie
HOUSTON (DPI) — In a highly unprecedented move, an unidentified aide shut off President Bush's microphone in the middle of his remarks. Speaking to the local press, Bush went off-script while praising the evacuation efforts marshaled in part by African-American police Capt. Arnold Black. The president launched into the compliment, "You're doing a heck of a job, Bla " before immediate action was taken.
(Reported by Davejames)
Bush Promises Not to Fake Next Moon Landing
WASHINGTON (DPI) — President Bush today promised not to repeat the bad judgment of past administrations in the space program as the United States returns to the moon. "My administration will use all its power to ensure that the moon landing will not be faked again," Bush said. Citing his long distrust of Big Government and his viewing of Capricorn One, the president revealed that he has had doubts about the legitimacy of the Apollo program. "I think both sides of this controversy should be taught in the classroom so that the children can decide for themselves," he said. He then confirmed NASA's appointments of George Lucas and Pixar Animation Studios to head the mission.
(Reported by Rick Sabian)
Mom Begins to Grasp Concept of Internet
OMAHA (DPI) - "So if I push this button, a letter shows up in Aunt Sophie's mailbox? Who puts it there?"
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Headlines
Rita Ignores Warning, Messes with Texas
Vatican Refuses to Renew Seminaries' Playgirl Subscriptions
Roberts Refuses to Acknowledge That Boyfriends Should Offer to Pay for Abortions
Bengals Remain Undefeated; Leno, Staff Obtain Emergency "But Cardinals *Really* Suck" Joke Clearance
Schwarzenegger to Seek Second Term; Robert Patrick Enters Race as "Shapeshifting, Liquid-Metal" Democrat
Nick Nolte to Star in Gary Busey Biopic, Vice Versa
Probeatorials
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A guest Probeatorial by Charles J. Moon, 61 |
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Retirement is here! And of course, the best half of my life is ahead of me! Yes, It's a nice country, America. Here in America I was able to be my own boss for over 30 years, close my roofing business, and retire here in sunny Fort Lauderdale.
But of course, there are so many things to fill the day when you've given up a life of back-breaking work! Should I join the 50-plus softball league? I bet those guys could use a schooling on how to hit a sure-fire double! Or the hiking club? I suspect they wouldn't know a warbler's trill from an air horn.
So, after giving it a lot of thought, I decided to devote myself to doing what I've always dreamed of doing in my retirement: FUCK ALL.
Yep, I think I'll start the day at about 11 o'clock. Those mall-walking seniors you see if you're ever up at 6? Chumps. I'll roll out of bed, throw a frozen pizza in the oven, and scratch my nuts in front of the TV for about three hours, until 2, maybe 3.
Then I'll get the paper, sit in the crapper for half an hour and yell at the editorial page. Volunteering at the local voting precinct? I don't fucking think so, sonny.
It's not as if my "Inactive Senior Lifestyle" will keep me from getting a little exercise. Every day when I finally decide to put on some pants, I'll get in the car and drive down to the grocery store to pick up some canned peas, bread, and a fifth of bourbon. The staff will all know me as the guy who yells at them at least twice a week, accusing them of "rearranging the shelves so a guy can't find a goddamn thing around here." That's gonna be GREAT!
By the time I get home, I'll be so pooped out, I'll be ready for a nap. I'll walk right past those pathetic gardening grannies in the vegetable patch and catch two, three hours of Zs on the ole couch.
By 6 or 7, it'll be booze time. Three or four good slugs of Jim Beam, and then it'll be time to go banging on the neighbor's doors, asking loudly if they've been taking socks from the laundry room. After that, I'll probably read porno mags on the balcony until bedtime.
Yep, retirement has a lot to offer the lazy man. Now it's time to get off my ass and start doing nothing with my golden years!
(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
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Musing With Mitch by Mitchell Kobriger |
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Next life, I want to be a buffalo. War in Iraq, hurricanes in the Gulf -- no matter, I just stand on the prairie and munch-munch-munch.
As I get older, that stairway to Heaven looks less and less ADA-compliant.
If it weren't for my lifelong love affair with Nutty Buddies, I'd pound the stuffing out of that musical ice cream truck driver.
Idea! Let's move Idaho into the Gulf of Mexico to serve as a hurricane buffer. We're not really doing anything else with it.
Did Bubba in Forrest Gump ever mention shrimp ramen noddles? I love shrimp ramen noodles!
Mollusk of the year, you ask? Abalone, if ol' Mitch's vote counts for anything.
In normal times, I maintain that polka is the only legitimate use of an accordion. But in honor of Hurricane Katrina victims, for the next 30 days, I give that honor to zydeco.
I don't know why anyone would want to be a meaty urologist. Get it?
I don't know what's up with that one big plastic-y cylindrical aspirin they put in every bottle, but, just to be safe, I take that one first.
That Missy at Yahoo! Dating sure is pretty, but it's been about a year and she *still* doesn't have a boyfriend. She must have three butt cheeks or something.
My barber's latest obsession: neck hair. My advice: Give the man room to work.
Even though Tabasco Sauce feels warm when rubbed into the skin, it's no substitute for Ben Gay. Just trust your buddy Mitch on this one.
Get this: Canal Street in New Orleans is actually a canal now. Irony, aisle four.
You know how to stop those looters next time? Send Lee Majors in to rough up a few of them. End of problem.
I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be trapped in a flood, but if I could, it would probably include thousands of wet T-shirt wearing Racquel Welch clones.
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