September 28, 2005
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CURRENT ISSUE Week of September 26-30, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
Taco Bell Officially Abandons All Pretense of Mexicana
IRVINE, Calif. (DPI) — With the inclusion of tater tots in a select line of their burritos, fast-food giant Taco Bell has officially abandoned all pretense of being a Mexican-themed eatery. President Emil Brolick chuckled at the suggestion that the new burrito ingredient may have authentic Mexican lineage, saying, "Tater tots? Mexican? Are you fucking high?" Tom Wagner, vice president of product development, elaborated. "For crying out loud, man, have you tasted our guacamole? Damned near avocado-free," he said. "If you want authentic Mexican, you don't have to look hard. Hell, even Akron freakin' Ohio is nuts-deep with good Mexican restaurants." Taco Bell's new "I'm Full" advertising campaign barely touches on this revelation. When asked why, Brolick replied, "Corporate (parent Yum! Brands) didn't think the direct truth would sell. That's why they killed my 'It's late, you're stoned, and you've got three bucks — we've got you, bro! ' suggestion."
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Bush Taps Petroleum Jelly Reserves
WASHINGTON (DPI) — In an unprecedented move, President Bush this week asked the Department of Energy to release 13 million barrels of petroleum jelly from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. "We cannot and will not expect this great country, America, and the people who live here, Americans, to go without. We were not raised that way," he said. "By God, if the people can't get the petroleum jelly they require, the entire economy could possibly spiral down the toilet." DOE spokesman Craig Stevens responded with puzzlement. "I don't know what the hell he's talking about," said Stevens. "We have petroleum, not petroleum jelly. He should maybe call the Vaseline people."
(Reported by Jody Laferriere)
Network Signs Storm to Four-Year Development Deal
STUDIO CITY, Calif. (DPI) — With Hurricanes Rita and Katrina dominating the nation's attention and, more importantly, getting big TV ratings, CBS signed Tropical Storm Alexis to a four-year production deal on Monday. CBS' Leslie Moonves contended that signing an unknown tropical storm before it reaches hurricane status or makes landfall only looks risky on paper. "This sends a signal to other minor storms that CBS is willing to give them a shot," said Moonves. "Instead of suddenly emerging with little fanfare to wreak havoc, we can give up-and-coming storms weeks of prior promotion backed by network muscle." Moonves noted that with any luck, they could soon have a CSI-like franchise starring hurricanes in several cities.
(Reported by Davejames)
Headlines
Bush Urges Americans to Turn Off Gasoline While Brushing Teeth
World Shocked as 5-Foot-7-inch, 104-Pound Model Revealed to Use Cocaine
Spears' MILF Status on Hold Pending Removal of Stitches
Study: Nose Hair in Food a Relationship Deal Breaker
New Orleans Rising Again, Ocean Rising Faster
Houstonians Emerge From Yao Ming's Jockstrap Following Hurricane
Probeatorials
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A guest Probeatorial by Nancy Grace |
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Hey! Over here! The tough-talking she-lawyer with the shitty dye job and '70s-porn-star cumcatcher neckerchief: Nancy Grace. My show is still live on CNN, dammit! Why are you people not looking at me anymore?
I've got plenty to say about what's hot in the court system right now. I will still tell you who is guilty and why. So I missed the call on Robert Blake, big deal! OK, I said Michael Jackson would be found guilty as well and that the Runaway Bride was going to be found slaughtered, filleted, and stuffed in a duffel bag in an Albuquerque bus stop locker with a note from her future husband confessing to committing the crime in a deal with Satan to make his penis longer. Everybody misses a few. The fact that I'm 0-3 in the biggest court cases of the year is no reason to stop paying attention to my quasi-legal analysis and whore-blue eye shadow.
I've paid my dues in the court system. I was a high-ranking assistant prosecutor in Atlanta for almost three years THREE! And I only got reprimanded twice for ethics violations. Who else is more qualified to spout a priori supposition and pose accusatory rhetorical questions based on circumstantial evidence in today's hottest legal cases while looking like a younger, skinny Barbara Bush after getting her hair cut and muffin buttered in a Turkish prison?
Is it the hurricanes? Is that why you aren't watching me anymore? Oh, the Gulf Coast is wet — Boo Hoo! Get over it, you babies, and get back to your normal lives as lived vicariously through me. Fuck Katrina and Rita. What about Nancy? My agent is already fielding offers for has- been celebrity reality shows, for crying out loud!
Watch my show, weekdays at 9 on CNN. I got the Laci Peterson case, right? I can make some of the tougher calls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to train for my upcoming televised six-rounder with Tonya Harding. If you think my legal analysis is hard-hitting, wait until you see that Oregon trailer skank get a taste of my uppercut!
(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
Ask Zarxnol
Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. |
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Dear Zarxnol, My 8-year-old daughter seems to be very insecure. She is very disruptive at school -- throwing temper tantrums and sulking when she doesn't get her own way. She has a problem making friends at school, as she tends to lash out at other children. Some say that I am at fault since I do not give her boundaries at home. Now she has gotten to the point where she is messing in her pants. She is so embarrassed about this but does not seem able to control it. Please, I am desperate to help my little girl but do not know what to do. Tormented in Tremont Tormented: Perhaps my superior Xargolian sense of hearing filters out the bulk of profligate dreck that passes for verbal communication among your primordial species. When Knorr the Interpreter iterated your infantile imploration to me, I heard the following: "Zarxnol: 8-year-old- daughter blah blah. Moan whine gripe. Bluster bollocks noise. Some say that I am at fault since I do not give her boundaries. Complaint lament messing in her pants. Beg grovel slobber, Tormented." Was I close, Torm? You say you give your daughter no boundaries while she is under your "supervision"? She is therefore free-range. Organic human ... hmmm. Li'l Miss Ented, therefore, will be a tad gamey, but her rich texture will more than compensate once the expert food preparation regiment of my Armies From the Sea prehend your insipid Tremont. I look forward to savoring this delicacy after her dookie-besplattered hindquarters have been attended to, naturally. I have already mentally selected a medium dry white wine to serve with filet o' Ented. Free- range child pairs as would veal, no? It is possible that when you say, "I do not give her boundaries," you mean that metaphorically as a reference to your alleged parental style. Such a notion is laughable since this interpretation would be a de facto admission to child neglect tantamount to abandonment. The childcare modality of homeless psychotic narcophiles and the deceased progenitors of orphans could be freely and accurately characterized as "giving no boundaries." Even a stultified semi-simian such as you would not volunteer to agglomerate herself with such inept parental company. Either way, yours truly will be treated to a delectable lunch upon his "occupational visit" to Tremont. Mealtime approaches. Give thanks, Vermin! O Mighty Xargol, we prostrate ourselves before Your Most Powerful Hepteatedness in praise of the comestible bounty laid before us... Regards, Zarxnol |
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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