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9/28/04

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New Bush Domestic Policy: Piss on the Elderly, Poor Get Shit

CRAWFORD, Tex. (DPI) -- President George W. Bush has announced a new domestic policy which, if all goes according to his projections, will greatly reduce costly health care and welfare budgetary burdens while improving the overall health and well-being of our nation's less fortunate.

After an interview will pundit Bill O'Reilly in which the President stated he didn't regret his much-derided-in-hindsight "Mission Accomplished" address on the USS Lincoln, Mr. Bush spent hours in quiet contemplation. "If I were to regret anything in my entire Presidency," reflected Bush, "that speech on the Lincoln would be it. That whole deal really pissed up a rope on my re-election campaign for a while, but I persevered and emphasized the positive, and we're back on track running as strong as ever toward re-election. I don't regret a thing."

An epiphany of sorts followed this realization for the President – if he doesn't regret a single thing he's done, it would follow that he is infallible. Further, as Mr. Bush stated himself, "If I never make any mistakes, I must be the Second Coming [of Christ]. It's the only possible way!"

Divinity would naturally include the power to heal, but as the Leader of the Free World, Bush simply won't have the time to lay hands upon everyone who requires his healing touch. "The way I see it," Bush opines, "anything that comes from me is blessed, therefore touched by God with the power to heal… even my pee! If I just stand up on a stage at an old folks home and whiz on everything that moves, I can heal 20, 30 -- who knows, maybe even 100 -- sick old people just by wringing out the ol' sock!"

Slowly but surely, the President plans to piss on each and every sick and elderly person who asks for government health-care assistance. "It ain't gonna be fast -– I've only got one pecker -– but sure as I'm talking to you right now, I will make it my sworn mission to help out each and every person in need with my new trickle-down health care plan!"

The President's freshly inspired resourcefulness doesn't stop merely at Number One. The economy, more specifically the nation's poor, will also get to benefit from some back-end participation. "Look, I'm a big meat-eater, and you know what that means. Especially and hour or so after a good rack of ribs, I'm so full of crap my teeth turn brown! Before, that meant a trip to the L'il Oval Office with the newspaper… but now that shit is worth something."

Mr. Bush further deliberated on his plan to increase the Gross Domestic Product: "Now I don't have the details of distribution and logistics worked out yet, but once I get this crap to the poor, they can make money on it. It's Holy Shit, and there's a market for that. I promise you, if you put one of my turds up for sale on eBay, you'll get flooded with bids from my followers. Hell, the bidding traffic you'll get from Ann Coulter alone might crash eBay's servers!"



(Reported by Carl Knorr)






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