Lifting of Libyan Sanctions Lets Gaddafi Buy More Fetching Hats, Shoes
TRIPOLI (DPI) - Libyan leader Col. Moammar Gaddafi was elated at the
decisions last week by the United States and the European Union to lift
sanctions against his country. The long-standing sanctions were evidently
inhibiting Gaddafi's ability to shop in the manner in which he'd become
accustomed, severely curtailing his now-legendary hat and shoe fetishes.
Said Gaddafi: "I would like the thank the U.S. and the EU for restoring the joy of
purchasing fine garments to Libya's citizens -- in particular, me."
(Reported by Davejames, Tristan Fabriani)
Storm Destroys Haiti's Legendary Beauty and Robust Economy
GONAIVES, Haiti (DPI) - Tropical Storm Jeanne, with
hurricane strength winds and downpours, has turned the
modern Caribbean nation of Haiti into a morass of
unsanitary living conditions, poverty and blight, the
Red Cross reports. Massive flooding in the central
area of Gonaives has destroyed much of the
population's access to restaurants, cable television
and retail developments, according to Haitian
officials. "I lost my entire three-bedroom bungalow
when the river jumped its banks," said resident and
computer consultant Hugo Raiste. "My family will now
have to live in this dilapidated three-wall shed and
trade pieces of scrap metal for rice." Residents of
Gonaives were seen banding together to replace items
of kitsch from one of the area's three TGI Friday's
restaurants. Said one, wading through the
slowly receding floodwaters, "With no access to
electricity for my espresso maker and convection oven, I
will hope to find a pig or goat still alive that my
family might eat tonight."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
CBS Scandal Sparks Piece-of-Shit Novelty T-Shirt Boon
NEW YORK (DPI) - Wall Street analysts predicted a boon for
piece-of-shit novelty T-shirt makers following the recent CBS scandal.
"No more than 24 hours after the announcement, we are seeing humorous
$3 T-shirts mocking CBS and Rather appearing on the streets," said
market-watcher Dick Handlin, "This ability to instantly flood the
marketplace with slogan T-shirts that can't survive one washing
demonstrates the kind of market responsiveness we love to invest in."
Handlin pointed out his own "Watch C B(ull) S(hit)? 'Rather' not!"
shirt that he had purchased on a street corner that morning and noted
that the letters had already started to fall off. This industry
hadn't see such a boost since the "Buck Fush" shirt wave during the
GOP convention and the "I Survived Ivan" T-shirts that appeared
recently before the hurricane had even made landfall.
(Reported by Ken Martin)
Study: Dog Urine/Vodka/Pineapple Smoothie Cures Impotence, Baldness
AKRON (DPI) - Okay, not really. We just wanted to see how many
middle-aged guys we could get to hold a shot glass under their dog's dick.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Bush Administration Releases "Positive Proof" Photo Regarding National Guard Duty
Rumsfeld: US Whoop-Ass Stockpile Was Nearing "Use-By" Date
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today revealed another reason
for the War in Iraq, saying, "In response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the US
obtained a significant strategic stockpile of Whoop-Ass. Unfortunately, Whoop-Ass
has a somewhat limited shelf-life." Rumsfeld claims that as the "Use-By" date
approached and Osama bin Laden was nowhere to be found, the "potential waste of a lot
of perfectly good Whoop-Ass became a primary motivation for attacking somebody."
Emphasizing that the potential Whoop-Ass crisis was not the only or even most
important reason for the war, Rumsfeld admitted, "Saddam had to go regardless
of our Whoop-Ass status. It was merely good fortune that we had a fresh supply
ready to be deployed."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Leno to Retire in 2009. Get It? 2009! Hee hee! Right, Kevin?
Swift Butt Vets: Kerry Don't Got Back
CBS Yet to Apologize for New Jason Alexander Sitcom
Bush Says Iraq War Going "Failtastically"
40-Buying Guy Offered Receipt
Agitated Edward R. Murrow Corpse Burrows Into Adjoining Plot
Flava Flav Releases New CD, It Only Takes One Drunk, Husky-Voiced, Fake-Tittied, Scandinavian Amazon to Hold Me Back
Florida Downgraded to Alabama
Bush on Economy: "Gay People! Gay Terrorists! Getting Married!"
Shrapnel Cuts Ribbon at Grand Opening of New Fallujah Convention Center
Trump Fires Piggybank During Weekend Pottery Class
Rather Helps 60 Minutes Expose Shoddy Practices of 60 Minutes
New Bush Domestic Policy: Piss on the Elderly, Poor Get Shit
Review: Sex Camp for Kids a Huge Success
LOOK AT ME, GODDAMN IT!!
That Ass-Pinch Really Did the Trick, Mister
An Internet Message Board Spoiled Donnie Darko For Me
Oh Great, Who the Fuck Can I Blame THIS On?
Dems: Electronic Voting Machines Discriminate Against Those With No Motor Skills
CHICAGO (DPI) - According to Democratic Party spokesperson Marty Weinberg, the
electronic voting machines which will be used in over a dozen states are
nearly useless, due to their really tiny buttons. The party claims this is
a far reaching problem not only affecting those without motor skills.
"This party has put nearly $4.5 billion into the American Motor Skilless
Institute and now they can't vote for us?" said Weinberg. "Clumsy people,
fat fingered people and the logizomechanophobic all traditionally support
the Democratic Party in high numbers, and now they can't participate at the polls."
Many Democrats are pushing for the controversial "write a name on a loose
slip of paper" balloting method.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Physicists Unable to Explain Why Robert Plant Is Still Attracting Groupies
Angry Hockey Fans Protest Lockout With Nude Love-Ins
MONTREAL (DPI) - Angered by the news that the National Hockey League may
hold off competition for a season because of dwindling interest and economic
turmoil, sports fans have been holding nude love-ins in major downtown
districts across the nation to express their total outrage for the event.
Police departments are unable to take action because, as Montreal police chief
Michel Sarrazin put it, "If they're not turning over cars or setting things
on fire or damaging public property after winning a championship, there's
not much we can do." Edmonton Oiler fan Jacques Christuplier momentarily
ignored the two women in Gretsky jerseys fellating him and explained the
rationale for the protests, saying, "When our team takes home the Stanley Cup,
we riot and turn the town upside down to show how happy we are.
Now we're trying to let people know we're really pissed off."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
TV Watcher Grateful There Were No Air Disasters Within the Last Few Days
ATLANTA (DPI) - Local resident Vernon Luckaby was thankful over the
lack of recent air disasters, claiming that dearth of catastrophes enhanced
his television-viewing experience. Luckaby explained that he was intrigued
by the promos for the new ABC television series, Lost, which revolves
around the survivors of an airliner crash. "However," he said, "I've been
burned before when TV events such as this were cancelled or postponed out of
sympathy for real-life victims." Luckaby pointed to the delay of the debut
of FOX's exciting series 24, which takes place in a counter-terrorist unit,
after the World Trade Center tragedy of September 11, 2001. "Before that,
a 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' episode involving a school shooting was tragically
delayed by the events at Columbine High School in Colorado," Luckaby continued.
"However, there have been no major air disasters since the Russian airliners went
down several weeks ago, and fortunately, that was not recent enough to interfere."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Kerry Criticizes Bush's Deck Chair Arrangement
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Making good on his vow to focus on the issues for
the remainder of the campaign, presidential candidate John Kerry unleashed
scathing criticisms of President Bush's arrangement of deck chairs.
"My opponent has allowed his cronies and supporters to put the deck chairs
where they best serve their narrow interests," Kerry stated. "It is time
America again rose to the challenge of arranging the deck chairs to serve the
broad needs of the many." President Bush responded that he liked the deck chairs
exactly as they are. "Under my administration, hard-working Americans have been
able to put the deck chairs where they feel they best belong and it is not my
intention to second guess the market." Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that
the current arrangement of the deck chairs favors a long term recovery,
but that some short term market fluctuations were inevitable.
(Reported by Joseph Moore)