CURRENT ISSUE 9/28/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Still Life With Joan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	McQuigly and Moss     Military Service? Is This Even an Issue? By Dirk McQuigly Just like Jason, Anakin Skywalker and the guy who created Seaquest DSV, all of whom are burning in hell for eternity, this whole military experience debate is beneath us. Every time we get ready to elect a president, the two brain slugs -- er, I mean "candidates" -- start off by talking about the real issues. Then those real issues get pushed aside from some bogus, dumb, stupid, ignorant argument that's about as useless as the Enterprise's shields at full power against a Romulan Death Cruiser with an photon anti-matter cannon. During the Bush-Clinton election in '92, it was about Wild Bill's draft dodging days as a dope-smoking fiend who wouldn't inhale a stick of weed if he had Aquaman's lungs and whether or not Bush's running mate, Dan Quayle, was dumber than Edward Scissorhands trying to shake hands with a polar bear. Then during the Clinton-Dole election in '96, it was about Clinton's need to get a piece of the gargantuan ass and Dole's... well... whatever the hell he did that was so bad. Oh, I remember, he talked too slow. Now, it's about Kerry and Bush's "alleged" military experience and whether or not that makes them fit for office. Let me tell you something, I get beaten up, kicked down, stuffed in lockers and dunked in the ladies' room toilet by those guys in the ROTC every day, and put together, they wouldn't have enough brain cells to power a Stormtrooper Speeder for more than a quarter of a parsec. There are a ton of issues that deserve more debate and more time on the evening news than memos proving that Bush didn't show up for service one weekend because he was drunker than a phloroplat at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine at a Roshamadan party, or that Kerry ordered a star cruiser to wipe out an entire Vietnamese orphanage. The next time the issue comes up, whether it's in a conversation or on the evening news, just do what I do when Seaquest DSV used to come on the air -- look away. All's Fair In Love, War and Politics By Anna Moss Just in case, on the off chance that there might actually be one of you who hasn't seen Skycap yet, I won't ruin it for you. I've already seen it five times. Enough said. Today I'd like to talk about whether a candidate's past military record should be an issue in a presidential campaign. I won't get into specifics, but I believe past military records *should* be talked about. It should, however, be a minor issue. I don't care if you were in the Navy, National Guard, Star Fleet, the Maquee or received Jedi training by Yoda himself, if you served honorably, you should be proud of your past military record. Everything a candidate has done in the past should be looked at to some degree. I will admit that a bad record can hurt you in a presidential election. Take last year, for example, when I was treasurer of the Yearbook Committee, I "borrowed" $15 out of petty cash for a very valuable collector's item Justice League Comic. Even though I returned it almost immediately, this became an issue in my campaign to become president of the Chess Club. My election bid got crushed like it was under the metal foot of one of Dr. Totenkopf's giant robots. We are lucky we live in a free democratic society, where you can enlist in any branch of the military. For instance, Peacekeepers are born into the military, so they have no choice. Nor do the Cro-Mags, who live to conquer other worlds. And let's not even talk about the Borg. In conclusion, I believe that anything in a candidates past can be examined, including past military records -- unless you're an immortal like Duncan McCloud who has fought in every war for the past 400 years. If past military service were really a huge issue, Skycap would be president for life. (Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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