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An Internet Message Board
Spoiled Donnie Darko For Me

A guest Probeatorial by

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - Okay, I know I spend more than my fair share of time on internet message boards, but I'm terribly angry that JamCat845 spoiled Donnie Darko for me before I'd seen it. Sure, it was in the "Vids" forum, which is clearly marked for television and feature films, but I naturally assumed that a thread called Donnie Darko would discuss interest in the movie and, more specifically, information about Jake Gyllenhaal, who is an absolute genius in whatever he does ever and he can't do anything wrong. However, when I clicked on the Donnie Darko thread, I discovered to my horror that I couldn't have been more wrong.

There they were, a bunch of dill-holes, talking about the end of the movie. Well, I was absolutely pissed! I posted back to JamCat845 and all the others and unloaded all my best shots on them -- you should have seen the way I destroyed them. I can just picture them reading those posts, seeing their error and withering uncontrollably from the embarrassment and humiliation of making total wads of themselves.

I mean, if you're clicking on a thread called Donnie Darko, why should one reasonably say to oneself, "Hey, they've all seen the movie and are going to post about the plot!"? They could be talking about important pre-production matters or makeup techniques or casting choices without talking about the plot at all. You just never know, that's all I'm saying. I shouldn't have to suffer for the laziness of others, I'll tell you that right now.

In short, if you don't use some sort of clearly marked banner (...:::<<>>:::... for example), you shouldn't be allowed to post anymore. I have other rules too, but I'm much too busy to waste my valuable time on matters such as this. I really wouldn't care at all, but I find that the pursuit of the mundane provides a relief from the wear and tear of real-life matters, such as the elimination of this sort of irrational and disrespectful posting procedure. I don't have time to tell you people again. My time is very valuable.


P.S. I am very disturbed by the amount of private messages lately. I do not understand why someone would go through the effort to contact me directly about matters that should reasonably be completely public. In addressing these matters privately, I often have the additional duty of relating much of these matters to the public forums. So, as I cannot type on two keyboards at once, I am forced to respond individually both to the sender of the private message (to be referred to as "PM" for the remainder of this message) and also to the board as a whole. If you have any questions concerning this matter, please PM me. Thank you again for your cooperation with regard to this matter, and as I will be gone for more than half the day tomorrow, I ask you all not to screw up the board while I'm away.

(Transcribed by Mark Niebuhr)

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