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9/28/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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That Ass-Pinch Really Did the Trick, Mister A guest Probeatorial by Yuki Nishimoto, 8th Grade 
I know you probably hear this from a lot of the schoolgirls you fondle, but I just have to tell you that pinch you gave me on the train today really got me excited, Mister. Now I'm not easy or anything, and I don't usually notice aging businessmen with bald spots and droopy eyelids, but I think I'm getting a crush on you, sir. It's all like, I was just on my way home from school on an ordinary day, and one brief stabbing pain and personal violation later, I'm in love! Is this how love's magic is supposed to work? Because I'm only 13 and don't really know. I loved the way you sort of slouched in your seat in a red-faced, six-beer daze before you so smoothly slid by and skillfully grasped my right buttock with your stubby little fingers. I get goosebumps just thinking about it! Maybe it was my plaid kilt or my penny loafers that first caught your eye, or the way I've arranged all of my Sanrio stickers on the front of my notebook, but I still can't believe that of all the women riding the Osaka subway that day, you chose ME to harass! Maybe I'll see you again on the Kyoto line or something, and you can sit down too close next to me, breathe heavily and show me pictures from a bondage porno magazine. Or maybe we'll meet in a really crowded car, where you can pretend to be trying to squeeze by me and rub the front of your crotch on my hip. Whatever disgusting form our next encounter might take, you can be sure I'll be excited to watch our love blossom! (Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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