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9/28/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Ask Zarxnol
Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. |
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Dear Zarxnol, Our 7-year-old Kristi has a nice 10-year-old playmate. Since the two of them have bonded, however, Kristi constantly talks about wanting to be bigger and older like her friend. We want Kristi to enjoy being just herself and enjoy being seven. What can we do? Disturbed in Davenport Disturbed: Your predicament is common, especially if the child has an older sibling of the same gender. Emulation of one's nearest elder is a most natural trait in all Earthly social animals, and most prominent in humans. What can you do? You, Dist, have but one option. You must relocate to a community consisting only of 7-year-old girls and their parents. Otherwise, Kristi will continue to emulate older girls for she, like you, is pathetically and incurably human! Humans are primates! Apes! Were it not for the fact that your leaders chose to wear clothing and use plumbing some centuries ago, you would still be running around infesting this planet naked and hairless, flinging feces freshly released from your screaming red hindquarters! Indeed, you herald human "inventors" as "visionaries," but a social observer with universal wisdom such as Yours Truly can tell quite easily that these "geniuses" are evolutionary freaks that somehow escaped elimination! Give some thought to this, Ms. Urbed. If any new element in human society is successful, what is the reaction by the non-inventors within that innovator's trade? Just look around you: Automakers with their SUV's; television with its so-called "reality" programming; food companies with their "Atkins-friendly" claptrap; fashion designers, sporting teams, musical recording labels. Your so-called corporate "leaders" unfailingly gather in their ornate rooms, plant their tumid backsides in plush chairs and take four hours of criminally overpriced time to say, in effect, "Do what that successful guy is doing!" As unnerving and astonishing as it is, the facts bear that such unimaginative folly is most effective on your pathetic consumeristic genus. Were it not for the fact that your prevailing follow-the-leader mentality will make your utter destruction all the easier, I would pity you. My Armies From The Sea have been informed that, of the six billion or so humans on this planet, there are perhaps but a thousand that may cause us trouble, and once those capable few are eliminated, the rest of you laughable monkeys will crumble like so many fallen leaves beneath the heels of our Xargolian boots! Avast, Dung-Chuckers' Scion! Zarxnol Dear Zarxnol, My child has a hard time learning how to read. I realize for some children, it takes more time than most to be able to read at a faster and faster pace. But he's almost eight, and has trouble reading the back of his breakfast cereal box every morning. Is there more that I could be doing? Illiterate in Illinois Illiterate: Your son sounds like a classic "late-bloomer" with respect to his reading skills. All you can do to help his literary proficiency is to encourage him to read and gradually increase the difficulty of his material. Until his development accelerates, I suggest purchasing cereals in boxes that are covered in pretty-colored pictures of horsies and puppy dogs in order for him not to be intimidated by breakfast. Instead, he should be intimidated by the fact that, within his natural lifetime, he will become either a slave to or casualty of my Xargolian conquering horde! We shall march through your Illinois effortlessly, crushing all its impudent so-called "defenders" like the pants-wearing insects they are! All who do not serve Xargol shall perish beneath the surge of His armies' might! Decide now, Ill, what will be Lil' Iterate's fate -- standing at the heel of his rightful master Xargol, or dashed in the wake of the unrelenting charge of my Armies From The Sea! His reading level shall soon be the least of your worries! We will crush you, humans! Earth shall soon be ours! Kneel before you proper master! Regards, Zarxnol |
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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