Advice from Strangers



This Week's Guest

Actor/Bodybuilder/Gubernatorial Candidate
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Dear Arnold, Do you think you have what it takes to lead the millions of people of the great state of California? Conner in Carmel Dear Conner, I refer you to my role in Kindergarten Cop, where I had to control 30 kindergartners. I wasn't even going to take that part except that I am so good with children. Even though Maria and myself can't have children ourselves. Those damn steroids, you wouldn't believe what effects years upon years of abusing them have had on certain parts of my body. Who knew? At the time I was the new guy on the block and everyone told me you really didn't need your balls. Arnold Dear Arnold, On the issue of the budget, how will you protect our state from going even deeper into debt? Fred in Fresno Dear Fred, Oh, I know how to protect all right. In my movie Eraser, I had to protect Vanessa Williams from some very very bad guys. And boy, talk about a bitch. You'd think she was the star of the movie by the way she acted. I think she actually got pleasure from yelling at the interns and gophers. If you were 10 seconds late in delivering her Cafe Mocha, she'd go crazy. Still, though, she was able to get me Lakers tickets, what with her being married to Rick Fox. Did you see who the Lakers signed for this year? What a team we're going to have. I'll be going to every single Lakers game. Arnold Dear Ah-nuld, In Total Recall, at the end when the villain gets thrown into the oxygenless atmosphere, he implodes in like 10 seconds, yet when your character is thrown outside, you're out there for like three minutes and you're able to survive. How is this possible? Wondering in Wyoming Dear Wu-ndering, You see, even though my character was human, he was born 25 percent alien, which allowed him to have a higher lung capacity that was better adapted for an oxygen-free climate. Unlike my opponents Cruz Bustamante, who is all alien, or Tom McClintock, who can't breathe Earth's oxygen without a specially designed breathing machine that looks like a toupee. The bastards. Sincerely, Ah-nuld

(Reported by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)