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9/30/03

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Sept 30, 2003



Trekkie a Surprisingly Good Lay

CHICAGO (DPI)- Chris Malvin, 38, is a die-hard Trekkie and, according to one woman, surprisingly good in bed. "I was pleasantly shocked," said Kathy Rault, an attractive, divorced 27-year-old software executive. "It wasn't mind-blowing sex, mind you. More like competent and forgettable, which is way more than I was expecting." Rault acknowledged her night of unexpectedly passable passion will come with a price. "Oh I know, I'm going to get teased," she said. "But I've got to say, all that screaming in Klingon near the end was, well, kinda hot."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)


Fourth-Graders Re-enact World Trade Center Attack

LYNCHBURG, Va. (DPI) - As part of a second-anniversary observance of the terrorist strikes that hit New York City, Shanksville, Penn., and Washington, the fourth-grade class at Lynchburg Unified Elementary School recreated the World Trade Center attacks on their soccer field. Before nearly 70 onlookers, a pair of remote-controlled aircraft with children at the controls crashed into two 13-foot-high Popsicle-stick replicas of the twin towers. The event drew many critics, including the Shenandoah Valley Model Pilots Association, a spokesman for which pointed out that "9-year-olds can't recreate the impact as precisely as experienced model-airplane pilots." Next year's ceremonies will focus on the geometry class' study of the Pentagon.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Affleck, Lopez Replace Washington, Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore




Asshole Driver Conceals Self in Hybrid Car

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - An unidentified jerk menaced his way through traffic on the 405 freeway today behind the wheel of a Honda Insight, taking other motorists by surprise. "This guy was next to me in traffic and I thought, 'Hey, a hybrid car -- what a caring soul,' then he cut me off," said Ann Olsen of Long Beach. "I honked because I almost hit him and he jumped out of his car and threatened me with a tree spike." Other drivers who encountered the economical, eco-friendly car were treated to rude hand gestures and shouts of "oil-burning bitch." The U.S. Department of Transportation cautioned consumers to be wary of hybrid vehicles whose drivers are used to piloting small boats in front of whaling ships.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Captured Defense Minister Trades Up for Better Playing Card

TIKRIT, Iraq (DPI) - After lengthy negotiations, Saddam Hussein's former defense minister, Gen. Sultan Hashim Ahmad, surrendered to U.S. authorties in exchange for a better position on the "Iraqi Most Wanted" deck of playing cards. According to sources, Ahmad, the former eight of hearts, would have turned himself in weeks ago had he not been so embarrassed by his low placement. "A man of the defense minister's standing could not bear for his loved ones to see his face all over the press on such a degrading card," said a negotiator for Ahmad. To comply, the United States issued the new deck with Ahmad as the six of spades, a powerful trump card in the card game Spades.

(Reported by Davejames)




Robert Palmer Suffers Fatal Case of Loving You

Shattered Affleck Takes Refuge Under Giant Pile of Supermodels

Scientists Close to Carbon-Dating Keith Richards

87% Score: Asian Kid Throws Math Test to Fit In

Except For Ending, Filming Complete on Fox TV Movie About Antarctic Rescue Mission

New Guinea Tribesman Trades Endangered Species for Humorous T-Shirt

AOL Time Warner Changes Name to T. Diddy

North Carolina Blasted Clean; Whole Other State Found Underneath

Drinking Buddy Confirms: Yeah, That's Some Freaky Shit Goin' Down, Man

More headlines



I Assure You, U.S. Forces Have Never Been Better Prepared for a Giant Mutant Monster Attack



Ventriloquist Dummy Has Leg Amputated, Gets Flesh Prosthetic

TV Networks Disclose Star Line-of-Succession Plans



Hurricane Isildur Casts N.C. Into Shadow of Enemy

KILL DEVIL HILLS, N.C. (DPI) - Hurricane Isildur, Carolina Bane, laid waste the sylvan Outer Banks of North Carolina last week. Not since Tropical Storm Galadriel diminished and went into the West has a storm brought such despair unto the lands of the Mid-Atlantic Coast. Residents reported hearing songs of Arwen Evenstar on the winds blowing in from the Eastern Sea, transporting all to Elder Days and emergency shelters. Said traveler Samwise Gamgee, "My old gaffer did tell of a wondrous wind once in the South Farthing, but he never stood against a power as this, if you take my meaning."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Networks Plan Alternative Lifestyle Queer Eye Copycats

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Other networks are hoping to copy the success of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with their own alternative lifestyle make-over shows. ABC will air Geek Week for the Tres Chic, in which rich, attractive people will spend a week learning from computer nerds how to program VCRs, install DSL modems, and quote lines from Monty Python movies. CBS will counter with Transvestites for the Uptight, in which stuffy businessmen will learn how to cross-dress for success. Finally, Fox plans "S&M for the SUVs," in which soccer moms are trained as sex slaves for their yuppie husbands.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)





Classroom in Uproar over Electric Fan Voice Distortion Trick

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (DPI) - Students in Sheila Betts' third-grade class were agog with the discovery by class clown Brandon DeMorales that the room's oscillating fan can double as a magic robot voice-speaker. Appearing before the 19-student room during Betts' 20-minute silent reading period, DeMorales, 8, received cheers for his spot-on rendition of the theme from Spongebob Squarepants. The eight minutes of resulting pandemonium were exacerbated by a subsequent colorful discussion about how Meghan Kim's cousin sticked her finger in a fan this one time and it ripped her nail off and there was a bunch of blood and she had to go to the hospital.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

People Much Smarter Than You Devastated by Plimpton's Death

Tom Petty Accidentally Enunciates

Maurice Clarett Mistakenly Declares Eligibility for Military Draft

Bush, Putin Disagree on Whether McCartney Still Has It

Telemarketers-Who-Call-You List Now Available

NHL Season Ends, Begins

Patriotic Building Leaps Out in Front of Dixie Chicks' Plane

Bush Acknowledges Saddam Was Not Original Darrin on Bewitched

Ashcroft Reveals DOJ Has Never Used Its Heat-Vision Powers

Cock Replaces Joystick





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