CURRENT ISSUE 9/30/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News From Travistan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Musing With Mitch   by Mitchell Kobriger   There is no problem in the world that can't be settled with a fifth of good Kentucky bourbon and a shirtless arm-wrestle. If I had a buck for every hemorrhoid I have right now, I'd have $8. Never had a Swedish massage, and never will. Ol' Mitch isn't about to encourage those damn Swedes. A well-made condom should be usable at least four times. I would have loved to pursue a career as a barber, but I get all queasy at the sight of blood. First Afghanistan, then Iraq. When is it Portugal's turn? Or how about Canada? I've always wanted to put one of those big ship steering wheels in my living room. Then when I've got company over, I could jump up and start spinning it and yell, "Iceberg off the starboard bow!!" Man, that'd get their attention. Idea! Someone should invent a player piano that can play chess. Hell, I'd buy two of 'em. Man, I sure do miss pet rocks. I had one named Felipe. Ask me and I'll tell you every time: Mail fraud can be good family fun. Take it from Mitch: Never paint your bedroom a color that's NOT in the visible light spectrum. Mitch's favorite pastime: running Trivial Pursuit cards through the paper shredder. Take away the wind and the rain and hurricanes are no big deal. I miss licking stamps. That glue they used on those things was kind of tasty. You'd think after all these years of making cottage cheese, they could get rid of the lumps.
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