CURRENT ISSUE 9/30/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News From Travistan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!

I Assure You, U.S. Forces Have Never Been Better Prepared for a Giant Mutant Monster Attack A guest Probeatorial by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld I know what you're thinking, folks. Ol' Rummy is gonna try to slick-talk his way into making you feel comfortable about this administration's stance on military policy. Well let me tell you, there's no one in the country more concerned about national security than me. And with the hearty cooperation of my old friend Tom Ridge's domestic security specialists, I can confidently say the American people need not worry about mutant giant robot or lizard attacks at any time while we hold the reins. Our forces have a 24-hour watch, 365 days a year, on any possible entry point for monster attack, be it prehistoric, nuclear, extraterrestrial or mad-scientific, that could ever threaten the American people. We've got: a 15-unit fighting bomber squad that can reach a giant acid slime-blob anywhere in the continental US within six hours; special crack squads of anti-gargantuan cockroach specialists ready to gut the sewer systems of all major cities over 100,000 in population; a satellite-based tracking system that can individually home in on each individual head of a colossal 10-headed Hydrozon, even if an initial military bombing attack only splits the creature into ten separate monsters through its power of regeneration. We've got international experts from Japan and the United States tracking and logging the strengths and weaknesses of over 180 different types of extraterrestrial beasts. We've also got names and addresses of an entire network of goatee-wearing scientists with accents, all of whom can predict the subterranean hibernation locations and consequent mating, eating and attacking habits of mole-creatures, Godzillae, and giant slime worms from the earth's core. I want every single one of you out there to know that we've got the world's most sophisticated rogue Mecharobot tracking system on earth, and that your flimsily-constructed buildings, bridges and freighters are safe. Thank you and good night. (Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)

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