October 3, 2005


Britney's Baby!



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October 3-7,
2005


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Today's News


DeLay Indicted for Criminal Evil


HOUSTON (DPI) — GOP Majority Leader Tom DeLay was indicted last week for one count of criminal evil, one count of conspiracy to commit evil, and one count of attempted evil. The indictment charges that DeLay commanded various forces of darkness and brought about instances of both pestilence and war. Unnamed co-conspirators include a black cat named Greymalkin and a man known to authorities only as "the Antichrist." DeLay blamed his legal troubles on what he termed "anti-evil bias," saying "They’re just out to get me because they hate Satan-fearing Americans."

(Reported by David Kass)


Skank Is as Skank Does

LOS ANGELES (DPI) — Concluding an exhaustive search, Santa Monica resident Alex Watford was disappointed to learn that most city prostitutes do not have a heart of gold, but in fact have a heart of skank. Influenced by Hollywood's portrayal of likeable and beautiful Mira Sorvino- and Julia Roberts-type street walkers, Watford sought out the perfect female companion among those in the sex trade. A disappointed Watford noted of the girls he met, "If they're nice enough not to steal your wallet right off the bat, it means they probably [have male genitalia]." Watford says he has decided to refocus his efforts on movie actresses who want to lead a normal life with an average man of limited means.

(Reported by Davejames)




President Walks Energy Conservation Talk

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Just days after asking Americans to reduce their energy consumption, President Bush today unveiled the White House's own conservation initiatives. Standing before a stretched and armored Toyota Prius the President dubbed "Japtech One," Bush announced the retirement of the current fleet of 3 m.p.g. Cadillac presidential limousines. He also unveiled plans for reducing the size of motorcades. Reporters interested in traveling with the President will no longer ride in pool vans but will be issued pink Schwinn Stingray bicycles with thumb bells and decorative streamers plugged into the handgrips. Fox News White House correspondent Wendell Goler, however, has received his own Segway and CNN correspondent Dana Bash has been given the President's spare Big Wheel.

(Reported by J.J. Gertler)

Headlines


Brownie Doing Heckuva Snow Job

Era of Talentless Blonde Skank in Pop Music Extended as Ashlee Simpson Dyes Hair

Schwarzenegger Vows to Be More Gray Davis-Like in Second Term

"Battlestar" Surpasses "Babylon" as Favorite Geek Password

Bush's Rollicking Disaster Revue to Tour Major US Cities

"Lost" Fans Slowly Becoming Alarmed They're Watching Sci-Fi



In-Depth


Daily Probe College Football Roundup

The crisp feel of autumn is in the air, and so are the pigskins! Here is a recap of the top two games of the weekend:


Air Force at Colorado

The Buffaloes came into this game with an innovative offense and deep defensive secondary. Despite the Air Force's attempts to counter with GBU-28 laser-guided bombs, Colorado came out on top 41-23.


West Virginia at Virginia Tech

One team is named the Hokies, the other played that way and lost 34-17. VT posted higher SAT scores and averaged more teeth per player, giving them an advantage over the Mountaineers' NCAA-leading number of cousins — a nearly useless statistic that didn't matter until the post-game orgy.


PROBE PICKS

Here are some games to keep your eye on later in the season. As always, these picks should NEVER *wink! wink!* be used for any sort of GAMBLING, and that means the supply-room pool, too.


Florida at Florida State

Expect a vigorous first quarter until players discover refs' penalty flags are weighted with crystal meth. After that, play will be sporadic and languorous. Pick 'em.


Notre Dame at Amherst

The Fighting Irish's first venture into Division III ball won't be a cinch when the Lord Jeffs take the field astride their polo ponies. Notre Dame by 13, but look for entire team to be hired to manage Amherst squad's offshore factories while Jeffs players vacation in Cabo.


(Reported by Sparky DeMann and Dave Brandt)



Today's Daily Probe Special Feature




This week's guest:




New Mega M&Ms


Joan: Well, you certainly need no introduction, do you? But I'll do it anyway. Red M&M, everyone!

M&M: Thank you, Joan. But if I may...

Joan: Yes?

M&M: I'm actually a new Mega M&M.

Joan: Mega? Well, you do look a little larger than I'm used to. No offense, but I thought maybe you were just the result of some sort of manufacturing defect.

M&M: Oh, quite the contrary! No defects here, just the result of some good, old-fashioned design work.

Joan: Well, that's nice. So then, let me ask about your name. Mega? No offense, but you don't look that much bigger than a regular M&M.

M&M: What? Are you kidding? I'm huge!

Joan: You don't think "huge" is pushing it a little? Certainly by looking at the package, one would think that the bag contains maybe two or three Mega M&Ms, so large are they. But you really aren't all that big. Not as big as the bag implies.

M&M: You're crazy! I'm gi-normous!

Joan: Gi-normous?

M&M: I'm the elephant of the M&M world! Others quake in fear when they see me coming... they move to the side for fear of being squashed!

Joan: It says here that you're only 55 percent larger than a normal M&M.

M&M: Fifty-five huge percentage points, baby.

Joan: But that means you aren't even twice as big as any other M&M.

M&M: What?

Joan: You aren't even two times as large.

M&M: But I'm... 55 times as big...

Joan: No, you're 55 percent larger, not 55 times larger.

M&M: Huh. Wow... Are you sure? Because I'm... mega... right? I mean... marketing department and [walking away]... that guy from finance... they said I'd be huge...

Joan: Thank you, "Mega" M&M.



(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)





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