October 5, 2005

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Today's News

Sheehan Arrested for Own Good

WASHINGTON (DPI) — Supporters of Cindy Sheehan, mother of a soldier killed in Iraq and the woman widely acknowledged as galvanizing the anti-war movement when she sought a one-on-one conversation with President Bush, had her arrested at an anti-war rally today for being "way off message." "We felt Cindy had lost focus," said an unnamed source who helped orchestrate the arrest in the nation's capital. "She gave a speech blaming Bush for Desperate Housewives losing an Emmy to Everybody Loves Raymond. While we all feel her outrage, we think it will be less alienating if she sticks to just protesting the war." Sheehan was released after paying a fine and is said to be looking into the President's role in the San Diego Chargers' shaky start to the NFL season.

(Reported by Davejames)

Small-Town Movie Critic Admits He's a Cheap Whore

TOPEKA, Kan. (DPI) — The Topeka Sentinel's top, and only, movie critic today compared himself to a low-priced hooker. The statement followed national publicity of critic Frank Johanson for his public endorsement of an undeniably bad movie. "There. You can see my name right there in that tiny print," said a visibly intoxicated Johanson while watching an Into the Blue movie trailer. "They couldn't get a real critic to endorse their shitty movie so they bought me off with a couple of free movie passes. God, I'm disgusting. I'm worse than a whore. At least a whore only gets herself fucked. A whore provides a valuable service to her customers." Johanson went on to plead with the Sentinel's 500 readers to forgive him for his atrocious recommendation.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Bush: U.S. Will Withdraw When Iroquois Can Fight

Washington (DPI) — Facing reports that even fewer Iraqi troops are able to fight now than in previous months, President Bush now claims that he has always tied U.S. troop withdrawals to the readiness of warriors from the Iroquois Nation. "The Iraqis aren't anywhere close to being able to defend themselves," said Bush. "that would just be silly. I meant that we can start withdrawing American soldiers when we send in our proud Native American warriors." President Bush praised the battle-readiness of Native Americans in such movies as Stagecoach and Fort Apache.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Roberts Confirmed, Buys Palace

DeLay in DeShit

Star of Get Smart Got Dead

Bush Accepts 10,000 Bottles of Smirnoff "Aid" From Putin

New Orleans' Streets to Be Sterilied With Alcohol-Laced Puke

Pfc. England Guilty of Violating Leash Law


It's About Time We
Call In the Beautiful People

A guest Probeatorial
by Tammi Williams

With all the strife and misery in the world today, I can't help but feel hopeless about our children's collective future. War, natural disasters and frighteningly obese buns and thighs fill our nightly news broadcasts. Poverty and unexfoliated heels and elbows haunt us at every turn. We desperately need someone to brighten things up — someone who can tidy up the world's unkempt uni-brow.

That's why, after long thought, I have concluded that we need another beauty pageant.

Not just *another* beauty pageant, mind you, but the ultimate global showcase of glamour and refinement: a pageant that will trump Trump. And there's no time to lose. Reno's casino ballrooms book up well in advance, and the world's most alluring baton twirlers aren't available at a moment's notice. This pageant needs to happen now, so the world will once and for all see the many wonderful contributions that beautiful people can make in these dark times.

When I see televised images of anguished Iraqi children, I can't help but think, "Can't our government do anything? Couldn't we send a glittering and polished Miss Texas over there to give these children a glimmer of hope?" I get teary just thinking about the cameras clicking while that poor child looks up into the perfectly symmetrical and Crest-whitened smile of one of our finest young ladies between the ages of 17 and 24.

Let's get real. New Orleans residents don't need their levees to be repaired or their power to be restored. What they truly need is a warm hug from a doe-eyed enchantress with exquisite cheek bones. Let's recruit and crown these beauties immediately as hurricane season is still upon us.

Beauty is what our children need; it's what our society needs. Is there anything more beautiful than knowing that should the world collapse, we can reach out to a tiara-wearing pageant winner who is feigning sympathy and concern for us for the benefit of photographers from In Touch magazine?

(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik and Dallas Davidson)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

The Daily Probe Poll

In an effort to understand the situation in Iraq, the Probe reprints the following poll conducted by the leading Iraqi Shi'ite newspaper, Al-Mahdi.

What should the new Iraqi Constitution require of our harlot women?

Their sinful bodies shall be covered from head to toe to avoid tempting our purity. - 23%
They shall submit to the will of their husbands. - 17%
Two girls for every guy. - 45%

What shall we do with the infidel Sunni goats who infest our land?

Their terrorist insurgency must be defeated. - 31%
We must bring them into the political process. - 24%
Force them to watch Ishtar. - 42%

The country of Iraq should:

Be allied with Iran. - 51%
Be allied with Saudi Arabia. - 21%
Spend some time getting comfortable with itself before exploring other relationships. - 28%

Whose bloody carcass should be driven before you to pay for his crimes?

Saddam Hussein - 35%
George W. Bush - 41%
Tony Danza - 22%

(Reported by Simon Paul)

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