October 7, 2005

Flying Spaghetti Monster! Britney's Baby!


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Today's News

La. Governor Offers Help to Fight California Fires

NEW ORLEANS (DPI) — In a somewhat unusual gesture, Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco has offered to lend Lake Ponchartrain to the state of California to help combat wildfires that are burning out of control. "We already know Lake Pontchartrain floods everything within a 30-mile radius at the slightest drizzle, so we're hoping the lake can help douse the devastating California fires," said Blanco. Asked about the logistics of such an endeavor, Blanco replied that the Army Corp Of Engineers, in conjunction with FEMA, is working on it and should have it figured out soon. When reached at the governor's mansion, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied, "That woman is crazy. She's nuts. Keep her away from my state." Lake Pontchartrain had no comment.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Automotive Breakthrough: '08 Models Available in '06

DETROIT (AP) — The Big Three U.S. automakers announced today that their 2008 model cars will be available in 2006. "Years of joint R&D are starting to pay off. We are way ahead of the Japanese here," said a GM spokesbot, which went on to say that if all goes well, the 2012 models will be ready in late 2009, and the 2025 Chevy Cavalier could be ready for sale as soon as 2014. "A lot depends on being able to productize the advanced technology," said the spokesbot. "Carbon-fiber-look grille decals can be tricky stuff."

(Reported by Bill Muse)

"Allah Cartes" Reflective Yet Modern During Ramadan

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (DPI) — Wednesday morning began the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, in which Mohammed's followers are to abstain from food, drink and tobacco during the daylight hours in order to reflect more deeply on the meaning of sacrifice and devotion. As with all religions, however, there are reformists like Farooq Jenkins. "Fundamentialism leads to extremism in all religions," said Jenkins, of Knoxville. "Fundamental Catholicism bred the Crusades and modern Irish strife. Fundamental Christianity led to the White Supremacist movement and Timothy McVeigh. Fundamental Islam ... well, that's pretty well documented." Jenkins said he believes strongly in the principles of Islam, but the practices and rituals have grown outdated. "You have your Cafeteria Catholics, right? Call me an Allah Carte. I reflect on suffering and devotion plenty, thank you — I'm a practicing Muslim in Tennessee, for crying out loud. Now give me back my burger, infidel — my lunch hour is almost up."

(Reported by Carl Knorr)


Bush Names Sammy Sosa to Supreme Court to Atone for Trade

Mold Battles Mildew in All-Out War

Blogger Thinks People Give a Shit About His Blog

San Francisco Commuters Eye Biloxi's Rock-Bottom Median Home Price

Kate Moss Nabbed for "Impossibly Small" iPod Nano Campaign


Ask Bill Bennett

Dear Mr. Bennett,

Traffic problems out here on the West Coast show no signs of easing up. Now that gas prices are spiraling out of control and oil conservation is a matter of national security, what would you suggest we do to improve the flow of traffic?

Daniel S.
San Francisco, CA


Traffic congestion is an often unrecognized — yet critical — cause of excess fuel consumption. Further, with their slow, erratic driving and squinty-eyed vision, the Asian-American population is, as much as we don't want to mention it, a leading cause of traffic congestion.

Not that I would suggest such a loathsome, short-sighted idea as a practical solution for such an enlightened society as ours to pursue, but if someone were to round up all the Asian-Americans, take their property, strip them naked, and force-march them all into Oklahoma, our rush-hour bottlenecking situations would relent — and quite markedly, I might add.


Dear Mr. Bennett,

I'm a good Christian single woman who is looking for a good Christian husband-type man to be the father of my children, but every time I meet a single, considerate, thoughtful, well-groomed and intelligent man, he turns out to be gay. Do you know of a way to determine which team a man bats for?

Flora W.
Joplin, MO


Not all homosexual men act like the stereotypical "flamer," so I can understand your difficulty in discerning a prospective husband's sexual orientation. Since clean, honest and pure family values are so critical in today's world, a more obvious and standardized identification system for men who aren't interested in women may be in order.

Perhaps those men who identify themselves as gay could wear some sort of symbol, say a pink triangle, on the forehead as a tattoo, to increase the efficiency of potential mate-finding in these harried and hurried times. The branding would of course be completely voluntary — unless Swishyboy von Faggenstein declines to participate on his own.


(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

Notable quotes from this week's news:

"Gee whiz, leave it to the Liberals to get their underwear all in a twist the moment you start speculating about eugenics through race-selected abortion."

- Bill Bennett on his speculation that "it is true" that aborting all African-American babies would reduce crime

"It is not possible ... I defy anyone to find a better-qualified Texan female lawyer and former White House counsel and personal attorney to me that fits the bill ... who is better qualified for the Supreme Court."

- President Bush defending Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers

"She went through life named Harriet. Not an easy thing, it's hard work ... you have to work hard when you're named ... it shows ... it builds character through the hard work."

- President Bush during the same remarks

"Good thing he's not Superman, because then it would really hurt when he inevitably bitchslaps his dad when he gets older."

- An unnamed publicist on Nicolas Cage giving his newborn son Superman's Kryptonian birth name "Kal-el"

"At that level, you kind of take their word for it. Something to do with laser-based precision spectroscopy thingies with some quantum thing or another, perhaps dealing with optical frequency combover techniques. I mean, really, if I understood it all, I would be out competing for the big money prizes, not working in a windowless office here."

- Svorn Erickson, a Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences judge on Glauber, Hall and Haensch winning the 2005 Nobel Prize in physics

"Face it, religion hasn't been the same since people stopped getting smote."

- Rev. Pat Robertson

(Compiled by Davejames)

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