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10/7/03

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Advice from Strangers


This Week's Guest:


The Cast of Whose Line Is it Anyway?


Dear Cast of Whose Line Is it Anyway?,

For years, I've been overweight. I can't remember a time in my life when I was skinny or even happy with the way I looked. Now that I'm approaching 40, I'm wondering about getting liposuction or having my stomach stapled. Is this a good idea? Could you also give an answer in the style of a punch-drunk boxer being interviewed after a fight? Thanks.

Flabby in Fresno


Dear Flabby,

First of all turn off that damned bell. What round is it? Oh wait, you're not the ref, you're the fatty who likes to dine al fresco. Who in their right mind would mutilate their body ... I'm spilling BLOOD over here, could someone run and tell my corner? What round is this anyway? SPIT! Oh sorry, ma'am. We do have sumthin' in common, Crabby: We both use staples. I can't see out of my right eye. What round is this?

Cast of Whose Line is it Anyway?



Dear Cast of Whose Line Is it Anyway?,

I seem to have a gambling habit that is about to ruin my marriage. Now that football season is here, it's even worse. Do you have any advice? Please answer as a paramedic driving a speeding ambulance to the ER.

A Gambling Man in Galveston


Dear Gambling Man,

All right, attention 10-34, this is car 24. We're headed down East Main Street and we've got this guy! He's suffering from an acute hot streak! I mean he's hot ... RED HOT! We're gonna need an operating room waiting for us in the ER with a craps table and a pair of sterilized dice, a sports bookie and some dough for a bet on the Bears/Chargers game! He can't stop gambling! We've gotta get rid of this hot streak STAT!

Cast of Whose Line is it Anyway?



Dear Cast of Whose Line Is it Anyway?,

In two weeks, I leave home for the Air Force, where I will eventually become a pilot. It's been my life's ambition to work as a full-time pilot. Unfortunately, there's one problem. I seem to have developed an irrational fear of heights. I don't know how it happened; it just did. I AM TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS. I don't even like standing on the second floor of my house anymore. What should I do? Also, could you sing your answer to me in the style of a gangsta rap?

Jet-Lagged in Jasper


Jasper,

Dog, you're leaving the hood
to be all you'll be.
You be soaring the skies,
but a problem I see.
Hey, why you 'fraid
yeah, said why you 'fraid
of stepping up, man, you'll get laid
by the hottest boo that you ever seen!
Now be easy, dog, it's not all bad
flying high to the beat
of the g-force band.
Tupac you'll see when you're way up high, for that man looks down, you know he never did die.
So for all the fears, put them away.
Be easy, muthafucker, till the end of day. Early!

Cast of Whose Line is it Anyway?



(Reported by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)





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