Fox News to Replace Colmes With Mannequin

NEW YORK (DPI) - Liberal commentator Alan Colmes, co-host of the Fox News Channel's second most popular talk show, "Hannity & Colmes," has been replaced by a department-store mannequin, according to the cable network. Fox News President Roger Ailes said the move was to better balance the show's political spectrum. "We felt that Colmes was just too bold and loud as a liberal, which is making the show more unbalanced towards the liberal side like the rest of the news media," Ailes said. "After all, that's what we're all about -- fair and balanced."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


CDC to Overweight Americans: "We Don't Fucking Care Anymore"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Following a report that 55 percent of all Americans are overweight and still don't exercise enough, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have informed the obese community they no longer "fucking care if they choke on all those doughnuts." Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC director, said the CDC has been warning Americans for years about the dangers of living an unhealthy lifestyle and offering advice on why and how to lose weight. "So fuck it," she said. "We've done our part watching out for your ever-widening asses, and you still won't do anything about it. So fuck you. Thank you."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)


Little Brother Keeps Slapping Self in Face

EVANSTON, Ill. (DPI) - Matthew Windon, 8, has refused to stop striking himself with his own hands, according to his 13-year-old brother, Todd. "Stop hitting yourself Matty. Why are you slapping yourself?" said Todd Windon. "Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why are you slapping your own face? Stop that, Matty, that's got to hurt, so why are you still hitting yourself? Beg Todd to help you. Why are you slapping yourself? Look, you just hit yourself again. Ouch. Beg Todd to help you stop hurting yourself, you little wussy." Based on previous experience, the older sibling expected the younger boy would stop hitting himself when their mother entered the room.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)




Terrell Owens Blasts Bush's Handling of Iraq

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Terrell Owens, wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, sharply criticized President Bush's handling of post-war Iraq in a post-game press conference. Bush has "got no heart," Owens told sports reporters. "I don't know what to say. He seemed to work hard preparing for the war, but he's got no follow-through." Owens boasted of his own performance, but said he could not carry the war effort alone. "What else can I do?" he said. "I'm out there every day giving 110 percent, but it's gotta be a team effort." Owens was later observed berating Sgt. John Christopher outside an Iraqi police station for "plain not executing."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

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