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Cheney: Bush Not Yet Told About Terrorist Attacks WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Vice President Dick Cheney today acknowledged that President George W. Bush has not yet been told in a way that he can understand about the September 11 terrorist attack on America. "When the Texas Rangers game was cancelled, I had to tell him some bad men did some bad things, but that's it," said Cheney. As for leading the U.S. response to the attack, Cheney says that he, Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld plan the strategy while the President occasionally interrupts with an exuberant "I found him! He's in this cave!!" from his specially-made "Where's Osama?" book. (Reported by Jim Rosenberg) 
Afghan Real Estate Market "Sluggish" KABUL, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - Real estate sales in and around Kabul, the picturesque and historic heart of Afghanistan, are, in the words of a realtor at Kabul's Century 21 office, "Sluggish, totally in the shitter." Abdul Omar, 42, said, "Man, we can't give this stuff away! And there are plenty of pluses about the neighborhood. Petty crime? Forget about it! And your kids get to play on real Russian tanks! You don't get *that* in Delaware! Sure, there's always the chance the Taliban will beat you with sticks if your beard isn't long enough, or stone your women if they leave the house, but hey, if you live in California, you've got earthquakes, right?" (Reported by Ishmael Alighieri) Denny's Removes Terrorist-Related Menu Items BOSTON, MA (DPI) - The Denny's restaurant chain has announced that it will remove three of their most popular menu items in a show of American pride. The affected dishes are the Taliban Starter, a lamb omelet with a side of naranj pilau, the Afgahni-Slam, a gigantic breakfast platter, and the always popular Osama Burger. They have been replaced by the Old Glory, an open-faced tuna melt, the half-pound Scudburger, and the Betsy Ross, an omelet featuring red peppers, smoked whitefish and bleu cheese. (Reported by Jody LaFerriere) Whoops! Wacky "Wrong-way" Redneck Attacks Korean Man by Mistake DURANGO, CO (DPI) - In a spontaneous display of unbridled, uneducated patriotism, area redneck Daniel P. Lyttle, 37, punched a Korean man, police said yesterday. Twenty-four year old Seung-Won Kim, a graduate student, was unharmed and refused treatment at the scene. Police are still searching for Lyttle, described as 6'1", of medium build, and a fucking dolt. According to witnesses, Lyttle spent several minutes searching the downtown area yesterday for a person on whom to vent his frustration, eventually, taking out his anger on the nearest minority before escaping in a red 1971 Ford pickup. Durango police are asking for the public's help in locating the gunrack-toting, NASCAR-watching, stop-sign shooting, cousin-fucker. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Today's Daily Probe FBI terrorist suspect:  Conan O'Laden Other FBI suspects Supervillains Pledge Aid, Henchmen, in Show of Support WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In an unprecedented show of patriotism, supervillains throughout the country are pledging use of their henchmen and evil technology in the nation's fight against terrorism. "Terrorists are senseless and cowardly, a discredit to true super geniuses like myself," said the fist-waving Thinker, "they must be deeestroooooyedddd!" Authorities are understandably leery about working with the notorious likes of Mojo Jojo, Dr. Doom, and the Penguin. Says Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge, "These guys think way too big. It's metal nuclear dinosaur this, lunar based polar ice cap melter that. And don't get me started on the giant radioactive ants or the laxative ray gun." (Reported by Davejames) 
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Afghani Children Delighted, Crushed by Humanitarian Food Drops Colorblind Patriot Paints House Puce, Ecru and Taupe Embattled Turban Industry Seeks Federal Bail-Out Rap Industry Declares Osama bin Laden "Wack Motherfucker" Code Red Virus Penetrates World Hypochondriac Community 
Probe Special Report: Transcript of intercepted conversation between Osama bin Laden & Afghanistan Geeks: UNIX Jokes Totally Underappreciated by General Public Hey, America! It's Chandra! Remember me? 
Greenspan Denies Recession, Admits Economy Sucks Like Two-Dollar Whore NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress on Friday that "technology sectors continue to hoover and tourism is smoking some serious wang," but stopped short of saying the economy is in a recession. Greenspan also said that the economy had entered a phase of "going down on any sailor with a ten spot -- the economy right now is slurping bone, giving peckers a tongue-bath until it gets spooge on its uvula." He remained evasive, however, on exactly when the economy could be expected to change its trailer-hitch-chrome-removing performance, saying we can expect it to draw golf balls through garden hose well through the first quarter of 2002. (Reported by Martin Bredeck, Mark Schmidt) Bill Clinton Barred From Arguing in Food Court Harlem, NY (DPI) -- Former President Bill Clinton suffered yet another indignity today when he was informed he will no longer be allowed to argue before the food court at the Kings Plaza Shopping Center in Brooklyn. Clinton allegedly held up a lunch line for 45 minutes arguing with a Sbarro employee that he should receive "dipping sauce" with his four slices of pepperoni pizza. When told the orange goo he referred to as dipping sauce was just excess pizza grease and was not for sale, Clinton staged an "Unleash The Sauce" protest rally, which eventually had to be dispersed with tear gas. (Reported by Curtis Matthews) 
Homeland Protection Agency intern Ron King demonstrates his anti-terrorist defense concept to Pentagon brass.
C&W Radio Stations on High Alert; Threat of Bad Patriotic Music Remains High NASHVILLE, TN (DPI) - Since the recent terrorist attacks, programming directors at this nation's country and western radio stations have been on high alert for the inevitable onslaught of bad patriotic music. National Radio Programmers Association president Darrel "Twilly" Johnson told reporters, "Somewhere an aspiring country music writer is looking to make a name for himself by penning a piece of pablum with which he will infect the American music scene. It is the utmost responsibility of the entire country music industry to ferret out those that would be the next Lee Greenwood and bring their dastardly act to light." The city of Branson, Missouri, is thought to be the most likely target. (Reported by Ross Brown) Blowhard Know-It-Alls Face Knowing and Blowing Crisis LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Blowhard know-it-alls, typically heard loudly holding court on issues they barely understand, are finding the current crisis too complex for their brand of substituting volume for facts. Presented with the situation, blowhards find themselves increasingly at a loss, unable to fall back on standard "Nuke 'em all and let God sort them out" postures, as they are unable to specify exactly who "'em all" are. Even the standard "ditto" is failing them at this crucial juncture. In some cases, blowhards have been driven to the very edge of original thought -- and all its associated trauma. At this point, events remain complex, and there is little hope in sight. (Reported by Davejames, Martin Bredeck) Giuliani Orders Museums to Remove Non-Red/White/Blue Art NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Mayor Rudolph Giuliani ordered all New York City museums to remove from their walls any art which fails to contain the colors red, white and blue, deeming such art to be "offensively non-patriotic." Giuliani explained, "I am Giuliani!" He then decreed that Crayola's 64-Pack of crayons be banned within city limits. "These are not times in which to be confused by non-standard colors. What the hell is periwinkle? Thus saith Giuliani!" White House spokesman Ari Fleischer supported Giuliani's move, stating, "People need to watch their colors these days. If we want to remain free individuals in this country, we need to conform and obey. But periwinkle's not too bad, really." (Reported by Slick Sharkey) |
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Domestic News
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Pentagon Unveils Ultrasonic Head-Clutching-Noise-Generating Weapon
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New "Homeland Protection Agency" Has Creepy Nazi Feel To It
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Librarians Urge "Quiet Restraint" in Response to Attacks
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God Lifts Veil Of Protection Over Falwell, Robertson -- "Have At 'Em!"
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Bush Urges Return to Normalcy, Takes Month-long Vacation
World News
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Taliban: We Invited Michael, Not Jesse!
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Nordstromdamus Prediction of 30% Savings on Men's Slacks Comes True
Entertainment
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Lee Greenwood Cracks Forbes 100
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Al Qaeda Network's "Mandy Loves Mohammed" Garners 27 Osamy Nominations
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*NSync *NFavor of *Nhilating *NLaden
Sports
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Chasing Wilt: Ewing Fucks 10,001st
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WWF Telethon Raises 150 Million Cans of Whoopass
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