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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
Training Day
Hey, what's up? Today's movie review is Training Day, the new
movie starring Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke and directed by
Antoine Fuqua, director of such films as Bait and The Replacement
Killers. I've never seen Bait but I'm sure I don't gotta tell you
that Replacement Killers fucking rules. Any of that John Woo-style
shit comes on Skinamax and I'm like glued to the couch and rolling up
a nice big fatty. Plus it had Mira Sorvino in it -- I totally have a
huge crush on her since Mighty Aphrodite even though I fucking hate
Woody Allen movies. You ever seen Zelig? That fucking sucked.
Mira doesn't take it off in Replacement Killers though, which is
totally too bad, but Chow Yun-Fat is amazing man. That guy could
change a lightbulb with his foot.
Anyhow, Training Day stars Denzel Washington as this like crooked
cop and Ethan Hawke is like the new cop who gets to train with Denzel
for one day, and then they get fucked with by Snoop Doggy Dog. That
guy is the fucking greatest man. I'm not into much of the rap shit
but Snoop Dog is super cool and he really digs weed too, so he's like
automatically my brother or something. Some of the Public Enemy
stuff is alright and Cypress Hill is super cool, but that's about it
for me and the hip hop shit. My roommate Dobie totally hates
anything with rapping though, so I almost never play it when he's
around. Me and Dobie have been best friends since grade school. We
usually just start chugging the Leinenkugels and listen to ClubFist
-- they're a local like loud rock/metal band and can usually pack
Benny's with twenty or thirty people, which is pretty good. They're
playing on Saturday but Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big
Burger, won't fucking let me off. I can't fucking stand Karen. She
thinks she's like the queen of Big Burger or something. Oh, like
it's so hard for her to let me off on one fucking Saturday night. I
work every other fucking Saturday night -- she hasn't worked a
weekend in fucking at least six months. As soon as I get promoted to
assistant manager though, she'll have to get off my back.
They said Training Day has plenty of violence (no nudity though, I
guess) and probably has weed, so I can definitely recommend the
flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give
it 9 out of a possible 9 J's. So till next time, see you kids at
the flix.
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