CURRENT ISSUE 10/08/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Anatomists Fail to Identify "Front of Women's Chest Things" ROCHESTER, Minn. (DPI) - After weeks of study, researchers at the Mayo Clinic are close to finding an anatomical classification for the recently discovered phenomenon of "chest things" in American women over age 12. The fleshy nodules, until recently identified as "body parts X and Y" for their tendency to appear in pairs, have been the subject of intense study by the clinic's staff, who hope to find the biological purpose for this "fascinating" discovery. "Theoretically, the human body could produce enzymes leading to the development of 'lumping' hormones, as we've observed in other mammals which actually feed their young from sources inside the body," said the clinic's Dr. Ephraim Shapiro, holding a full-color photo of an extreme example of fully-developed nodules on a 19-year-old Iowa woman. "In cases of extreme bulge, we have recommended a two-sided truss-like device for support of the growths while we observe the subjects for further study," said Shapiro, leafing through several more photos of subjects between the ages of 18 and 24. "The devices, currently available in bright red, pink, black, and peek-a-boo, are being provided free to sufferers who agree to undergo examination at the clinic. Researchers have narrowed the field of suggested anatomical names for the growths to "zonkers," "snoobies," and "num-nums." (Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
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