October 14, 2005


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Today's News


Bush Praises Miers' Law & Order Experience


WASHINGTON (DPI) - Responding to criticism of Harriet Miers' apparent lack of Supreme Court qualifications, President Bush cited her devotion to television's Law & Order. Bush explained, "Ms. Miers has a long record of dedicated viewership all the way back to the Michael Moriarity and Paul Sorvino years." He added, "Her Law & Order experience is as broad as it is long. Not only is she a Special Victims Unit fan, but Harriet may be the only person in America who also watches Law & Order: Criminal Intent." The President noted that Miers' Law & Order experience exceeds many of the country's greatest jurists, including John Marshall and Oliver Wendell Holmes, who never even owned televisions.

(Reported by Simon Paul)


Yahoo! Users Really Fucking Sick of Shiny-Faced Ashlee Simpson Photo

FRANKENMUTH, Mich. (DPI) - Widely-used internet portal Yahoo! has inexplicably featured the same headshot of Ashlee Simpson in its Entertainment window for four straight days, leaving its more frequent users both baffled and annoyed. "Seriously, who gives a flaming lizard fuck about that talentless skankbag?" queries Yahoo! frequenter Earle Schlichter of Frankenmuth. "Is Jessica's ugly-ass bukkake- party-favor-face looking sister the only goddamned thing going on in the world of entertainment?" In a weekend filled with new movie releases, music news, and celebrity-baby-name- guessing, Yahoo!'s choice to feature Simpson's picture exclusively leaves many questioning the portal's feature decision-making criteria. "She actually sang on SNL this time - - so fucking what?" posits Schlichter. "You did what you're paid to do. Hooray for Ashlee! I've been spot welding Chevy door frames together every day for 28 fucking years -- where's my headshot?"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)



Protests, Lawsuits Greet New "Chuck E. Jesus" Pizza Chain

ORLANDO (DPI) - A Christ-like figure greets you from behind the counter of America's newest pizza chain, promising that a single slice will "feed the multitudes." You're in one of the 13 new Chuck E. Jesus pizza parlors dotting the nation's Bible belt, the brainchild of Melvin LeRoy Phillips who felt America needed a kid-friendly pizza restaurant where evangelical Christians would feel welcome. "T'ain't no giant talkin' rats in the Bible," says Phillips, 48, who came up with such menu items as the Cup of Water that Turns to Wine for an extra $4, Stigmozzarella (cheese slices with a drop of tomato sauce in the middle), and for the Catholics, there's the Eucharist special: body of Christ topped with Canadian bacon & pineapple. "It's transubstantilicious(TM). But please order three days ahead; that's how long it takes the dough to rise," explained Phillips

(Reported by Bill Muse)

Headlines


Bush Tells President Pervez Musharraf: Doing a Heck of Job Pervy

Chinese Space Flight Proves Mu Shu Pork Can Survive in Zero Gravity

Laura Bush: Miers' Critics Prejudiced Against the Underqualified

Martha Stewart's Prison Cell Prepared for Frist

Cruise/Holmes Fetus Seen on Sonogram Jumping Up and Down in Womb

OLN Opens NHL Rinks to Ice Fishermen to Please Core Audience





Probeatorials


I'm Not Spiteful, I'm Just Incredibly Lazy

A guest Probeatorial
by Dwight Marshall

Recently, I was wrongly and unceremoniously fired from my job. The reason? When I thought no one was looking, I was caught with my zipper open in the coffee room emptying my full bladder into the coffee pot. People freaked out like you wouldn't believe. When the shouting, and a bit of vomiting from Sara in Legal, finally subsided, the accusations of spite and vengeance began to fly. The word "psychopath" was even liberally thrown about. But they have it all wrong. Spite and vengeance are beyond me; I like my job and the people I work with. The truth is, after almost emptying the pot, I figured that instead of making a new one, I could simply fill it back up with pee so no one would notice I only left a half a cup. I'm not spiteful, I'm just incredibly lazy.

It's funny how people assign blame. You should have heard the words security had for me when escorting me out the door: "bastard" this and "scum bag" that. Yet no one thought to blame Cindy Caprice, the woman in HR who purchased a nearly unworkable coffee maker in the first place. With its espresso making and milk-frothing functions, it was burdensome for the average person, no less someone as lazy as me. The old coffee maker -- now that was a machine! Two buttons and a filter was all you needed to master. So simple that over 75% of the time I would make a fresh new pot, only peeing to refill it on the odd occasion I was late to something important or feeling a bit unmotivated.

Look, sometimes shredding doesn't mean "cover up," it means filing slips are long and useless and the file room is all the way down on the seventh floor. Sometimes stealing lunches doesn't mean "thief," it means driving to lunch every day is hard. And, sometimes peeing in the coffee pot doesn't mean "spiteful," just incredibly lazy. I can't see where the problem is with that.


(Transcribed by Davejames)





The Daily Probe's Never-Ending
Hurricane Katrina Coverage


Indiana Suffering From Post-Tropical Stress Disorder

While the nation has been focused on the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf coast, often overlooked is the inconvenience caused by Katrina when the downgraded low-pressure system moved through Indiana. Sheila Otter, governor of the Rush County Rotary Club, guided me through the aftermath of the weakened storm.

"There's nothing worse than a dissipating rain system," explained Otter. "All those puddles you see in front of the town library," Otter indicated, "well, those are from yesterday's rain shower, but there were puddles just like those after Katrina broke up a little south of here."

To date, no one, neither the Army Corps of Engineers nor the Indiana State National Guard has accepted responsibility for the storm gutters that briefly overflowed. Otter holds her anger in check, "People were getting splashed by passing cars right there in front of you, and there was nothing we could do about it."

Several of the sidewalks in town still bear mildew stains that Otter attributes to Katrina. "Like I said, it rained all afternoon, and then there were bunches of leaves piling up, and well, just how are we supposed to live like this?" Otter exclaimed.

Otter knows that as the chief local Rotarian, she leaves herself open to accusations that she is to blame for the nuisance Katrina wreaked, but she refuses to stay silent. "People are always shifting responsibility to Rotarians, but we don't complain. It's not like were those god-awful Elks."


(Transcribed by David Kass)






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