The next issue of the Daily Probe will be published on October 26.
FOX Declares Bush
2004 Election Winner!
NEW YORK (DPI) - The FOX News network has officially declared
incumbent George W. Bush the winner of the 2004 presidential election.
Hoping to get a jump on the other news networks, all of whom
have committed to waiting until after the November 2 election to
declare a winner, FOX announced yesterday that Bush had defeated
Democratic challenger John Kerry by "thousands" of electoral votes.
"We saw no point in waiting," FOX chairman Rupert Murdoch said.
"Kerry had no chance whatsoever. Our most recent poll showed
Bush leading by upwards of 125 percent with less than three weeks
to go." FOX said that Bush won the popular vote as well, by
"one million, billion, trillion, zillion, gajillion votes."
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Jim Rosenberg)
Kerry Camp Finds Proof Bush Was Wired
People Who Joked About Christopher Reeve Prepare to Rot in Hell
NEW YORK (DPI) - As funeral plans were being made for beloved
actor Christopher Reeve, those who mocked his 1995 serious
injury and resulting paralysis have begun to plan for eternal
damnation. "When I made the 'robot wars' joke about him a few
years ago, I never thought he'd die so young from a heart
attack," said a Daily Probe reporter in a hopeless attempt
to escape his fate as the boy-toy in Satan's morning gang bang
for the next few centuries.
(Reported by Otis Garcia)
Airlines Continue Purging Flights of '70s Singer-Songwriters
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of United Airlines'
bouncing of Cat Stevens off of a recent flight to
Washington, several U.S. airlines are following suit
in a vigorous campaign to rid America's skies of
washed-up 1970s soft rock performers.
So far, various airlines have ejected over a dozen
"Macrame Plant Hanger Era" has-beens, including Seals
and Crofts, Gordon Lightfoot and England Dan and John
Ford Coley. An airline official justified the oustings saying
that "transporting these golden moldies posed a number of
potential threats to our other passengers, including
the possibility of 'Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald'
ear worms." An attempt to toss deceased singer
Jim Croce from a flight was thwarted by his fans.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Blair Undergoes Surgery to Reinsert Nose Up Clinton's Ass
LONDON (DPI) - British Prime Minister Tony Blair underwent
a procedure recently to correct an irregular heartbeat,
indicating Blair has reattached his identity with recent
quadruple-bypass patient Bill Clinton.
British political pundits recognize the operation as a
not-so-subtle ploy to win back the hearts of the
people as his election battle nears. According to Alistair
Cromwell, political editor for the Swindon-on-Avon Tribune,
"British voters on the whole have grown deeply
disenchanted with the PM's immediate and fast-held
oral attachment to the throbbing member of George W
Bush in 2001, and Mr. Blair is undeniably hoping that
this minor cardiac operation will symbolize his intent
to imitate feebly the much more popular Clinton in his next term."
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
White Man Integrates Mall Food-Court Chinese Restaurant
Bridgewater, NJ (DPI) - James Richards, 27, made history Thursday
as the first white male to be employed at and successfully integrate
the Bridgewater franchise of the Chinese food chain Panda Express.
Escorted by mall security to his new position behind the beef and
broccoli tray, Richards became the first employee of the Bridgewater
Commons food court establishment to not be a recent immigrant originating
from the Chinese province of Quangzhao. Richards said, "I figured I
was the man strong enough to bring this historic change to Panda
Express. Plus, after I got fired from Spencer Gifts for stealing a
neon novelty cock ring, this was the only place in the mall that would
even look at my application."
(Reported by Ken Martin)
Minorities Divided Over November "The Man" Election
Slow Boat Veterans Say Kerry Never Visited Tunatown
Psycho Actress Janet Leigh Dies; Psycho Actress Anne Heche Doing Fine
Hackman Held for Questioning After Reeves Death
Kerry's Chin Dislikes Term "Peninsula," Prefers "Archipelago"
Singer Etheridge Diagnosed With Breast Cancer; Crosby Offers to Donate One of His
Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Reality
Selig: Rose Bet on Caminiti in Dead Pool
Billy Joel Cited by Young Bride for Going Too Fast on Wedding Night
Mount Saint Helens, Pee Wee Herman About to Erupt
Bush Doesn't Like Internet He's Using, Wants to Try Other Internets
Science Discovers New Charm Particle
I Wish Thom Yorke Would Just Sell Out Already
Beerman for President
I Wouldn't Fuck Christina Aguilera If She Paid Me To
Bush Wants Candy
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush today angrily
informed aides that he wanted candy, now! The president
noted that other presidents had been supplied candy and
that it was not fair that he didn't have any candy and
he was going to pound his feet until the Oval Office
pictures shook if someone didn't get him some candy right now.
(Reported by Mr. Sun)
Kitty Dukakis Reliving Horror of Allegorical Rape, Murder
BOSTON (DPI) - Kitty Dukakis, wife of former presidential
candidate Michael Dukakis, finds herself yet again dealing
with the trauma of enduring a hypothetical rape and murder.
"When Michael made only a half-hearted attempt to save
me from a horrible, made-up homicide committed by
CNN's Bernard Shaw back in 1988, it took a long time
for those wounds to heal. Only with the help of
my fictitious crime victim support group was I
able to put that horrific non-existent crime behind me."
After last week's presidential debate and Rush Limbaugh's
branding of John Kerry's "global test" remark as the
"Kitty Dukakis line" of the night, Dukakis said that
"all the pain and anguish of my brutal hypothetical
molestation and murder came back." Tests conducted on
Mrs. Dukakis for hypothetical DNA evidence were inconclusive.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Mount St Helens Joins 1980s Retro Frenzy
MOUNT ST HELENS NATIONAL PARK, WA (DPI) – Recent
seismic and volcanic activity from Mount St. Helens
has naturalists all abuzz and, until recently, had
geologists scratching their heads. On Monday
afternoon, all scientific questions were answered when
Arn Aaronsen, publicist for the mountain, stated, "MSH
just wants to slice off a piece of that '80s retro
coin, Baby! Check it: new-wave-punk bands, tax cuts for
the rich, Russian crackdowns on rebel states, Loverboy
tours, shaky missile programs -- all you need are
the skinny ties and hairspray and we'll all be doing
the Safety Dance! The money is flying around, and MSH
just wants to cash in on her '80s fame -- if Survivor
can gets a Starbucks gig, my girl deserves a taste!"
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Rumsfeld Eruption Imminent
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Scientists working at the National Volcanic
Activity Center here have issued a level 3 alert claiming Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld is likely to erupt at any time. "We have been monitoring this situation for
some time now," said Bill Stokes, the center's director in charge of monitoring
seismic activity. All signs are pointing to an imminent eruption. Pentagon employees
have been warned to keep their distance from Rumsfeld's office and that evacuations
may be necessary.
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Dangerfield Widow, 32, Turns Attention to Aging Jackie Mason
J.D. Power Names Ford Explosion Best Car Bomb in Class
Booze Cruise Arrives at Barf Wharf
Poll: 88% of Likely Voters Tell Pollsters to Go Fuck Themselves
Constipated Man Calls for Exit Strategy
Sucky, Closer Vacation Destination Settled For
Thong Bikini Issue Divides Community, Buttocks
Stoner Donates Stems for Research
Court Denies Limbaugh's Appeal for Powdered Donuts
Wardrobe Malfunction Leaves Stripper Fully-Clothed
Bonus Points Expire
Che Guevara Films Kick Off Winter of U.S. Self-Loathing
Study: Headlines Up to 30% Lamer Near the Bottom