Beerman for President
A guest Probeatorial by
Jack "Beez-O" Beerman
My Fellow Americans:
I have been waiting to hear a positive, proven
economic plan from the Presidential candidates for
months now, and I remain disappointed. The time to
act is now. Therefore I hereby announce that I, Jack
Beez-O Beerman, am running for the office of President
of the United States, and that I have a proven plan to
balance the federal budget.
Mr. Bush often refers to deepening tax cuts and
investing the Social Security Trust Fund. Mr. Kerry
mentions rolling back tax cuts on the wealthiest and
finding alternative methods for defraying Medicare
costs. Their plans sound simple and plausible, but
they have yet to be proven. Every Presidential
candidate has made similar promises to affect the
budget deficit, and all but one of those turned out to
be empty promises. My Fellow Americans, as your
President, I promise to follow the one successful
plan to reduce the federal deficit -- President Jack
Beerman will get blowjobs from interns.
Only one President in the last century has run a
federal budget surplus: Bill Clinton. Only one
President in the last century has admitted to having
his groin gremlin heartily Hoovered right in the Oval
Office: Bill Clinton. All other factors -– Republican
vs. Democrat, majority party vs. minority party,
supply-side vs. demand-pull economic philosophies –-
have proven irrelevant, since all other
administrations have run deficits. Even Clinton
himself ran deficits until 1998, when he finally got
Love Force One tongue-washed by an eager intern
-- conclusive proof that the only way to balance the
federal budget is by getting the executive knob
I promise that Jack Beerman will follow the Clintonian
path of economic success and drop trou in the face of
a salivating young intern for sake of America's
economy. Will John Kerry make such a promise? Will
George W Bush vow to face-fuck a Gergetown Law
undergrad hottie to balance the budget? No, they are
too engrossed in appeasing their campaign donors.
Only Jack Beez-O Beerman has the balls to make these
hard economic decisions in the face of criticism.
On November 2, vote Beerman for President. Only
Beerman promises to blow a nut down an intern's throat
to protect your children's future.
(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.
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