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10/12/04

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Beerman for President

A guest Probeatorial by
Jack "Beez-O" Beerman




My Fellow Americans:

I have been waiting to hear a positive, proven economic plan from the Presidential candidates for months now, and I remain disappointed. The time to act is now. Therefore I hereby announce that I, Jack Beez-O Beerman, am running for the office of President of the United States, and that I have a proven plan to balance the federal budget.

Mr. Bush often refers to deepening tax cuts and investing the Social Security Trust Fund. Mr. Kerry mentions rolling back tax cuts on the wealthiest and finding alternative methods for defraying Medicare costs. Their plans sound simple and plausible, but they have yet to be proven. Every Presidential candidate has made similar promises to affect the budget deficit, and all but one of those turned out to be empty promises. My Fellow Americans, as your President, I promise to follow the one successful plan to reduce the federal deficit -- President Jack Beerman will get blowjobs from interns.

Only one President in the last century has run a federal budget surplus: Bill Clinton. Only one President in the last century has admitted to having his groin gremlin heartily Hoovered right in the Oval Office: Bill Clinton. All other factors - Republican vs. Democrat, majority party vs. minority party, supply-side vs. demand-pull economic philosophies - have proven irrelevant, since all other administrations have run deficits. Even Clinton himself ran deficits until 1998, when he finally got Love Force One tongue-washed by an eager intern -- conclusive proof that the only way to balance the federal budget is by getting the executive knob polished.

I promise that Jack Beerman will follow the Clintonian path of economic success and drop trou in the face of a salivating young intern for sake of America's economy. Will John Kerry make such a promise? Will George W Bush vow to face-fuck a Gergetown Law undergrad hottie to balance the budget? No, they are too engrossed in appeasing their campaign donors. Only Jack Beez-O Beerman has the balls to make these hard economic decisions in the face of criticism.

On November 2, vote Beerman for President. Only Beerman promises to blow a nut down an intern's throat to protect your children's future.


(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)





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