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I Wouldn't Fuck Christina Aguilera If She Paid Me To

A guest Probeatorial by
Freddy Fry

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that the hotties the pop culture meat grinder cranks out get more and more fuckable as time goes on. It's almost like they've got hottie MILFs hired solely for the purpose of churning out babies that'll develop into blond babes with tight asses and ta-ta implants already installed. But if not, hey, a guy can still dream.

In fact, I've got *all* of the most popular pop tarts on my personal "To-Bang List." I've always wanted to bang Britney, jump on Jessica Simpson, make Mandy Moore moan, show the Olsen Twins my "O" face (that Mary Kate could probably use an extra eight inches of meat, heh heh). I make one exception, though: I never, ever, ever, never, never, ever, never, ever in a million fucking years would cause Christina Aguilera to cream her jeans.

When she first popped onto the pop music scene, Christina was very young (barely 18) and had the hottest look since Britney started dressing up like a virginal Catholic schoolgirl. She never ever wore anything provocative or sleazy. In fact, she covered up more of her body than most of the pop stars at the time. It was like she was telling the world that she didn't want to get freaky, but she would if she was with the right guy.

In other words: She was perfect.

Then when her career started to tank, the tank top came off. She got sluttier and trashier and trampier and sleazier with each passing day, just like when my mom lost her job at Mervin's and had to start dressing more provocatively so she could seduce rich old lonely guys out of their pocketbooks. Now Christina is off my list because she reminds me too much of Mom, except that I've yet to catch her necking on my bed with some stranger in a Gucci suit.

(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher)

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