The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!



Front Page


Ain't That America?

Ask Zarxnol

McQuigly & Moss

Moth's Diary

Musing With Mitch

Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things!

Probe Interview

Probe Poll

Still Life With Joan


Previous Issues
Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!

Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!

This week's guest:

Lawn Gnome

Joan: So, Lawn Gnome, are you ready for fall?

Lawn Gnome: As ready as I ever am. It's not always a fun time of year, but at least it's better than winter.

Joan: You're not a fan?

LG: Well, you stand outside buried in snow for three months and tell me how fun it is.

Joan: Um, no thanks.

LG: And let us not forget the year they put a little Santa hat on me. Man oh man, that chapped my hide.

Joan: So no Santa hats, then?

LG: And for God's sake if you were thinking of draping me with Christmas lights, I will find a way to hurt you. I don't know how or when, but I will find a way.

Joan: You're a lot angrier than I expected. You have such a happy little face.

LG: It's my gargoyle lineage. I've got my dad's looks, but my mom's personality.

Joan: Do you find one is better than the other? Gargoyles vs. Gnomes, I mean.

LG: Oh God yes. Gargoyles have a reputation of being much, much cooler. The whole Goth thing. Cher filled catalogs with them. My uncle was a model for a wall sconce she featured in a spring catalog. And don't forget Disney put a couple of Gargoyle characters in the Hunchback movie. Really upped their street cred with the kids. I mean really, what do you think of when you think of lawn gnomes?

Joan: Uhhhh...

LG: No, go ahead, you can't hurt my feelings.

Joan: Well, old people. Trailer parks.

LG: Exactly. Old people and trailer parks. As opposed to castles and the world's greatest cathedrals. I rest my case. They get stained glass windows to look at, and I get the ass end of a bendover.

Joan: Yikes.

LG: Exactly. You can see why I'm such a happy guy.

Joan: Well, you look happy. I guess now we all know better.

LG: You don't know the half of it.

Joan: Thank you, Lawn Gnome.

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.