The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
My 5-year-old son, Dylan, is intolerant of differences in other
people. We thought it was a phase at first and that he might grow
out of it, but now that he's in school, it has become a serious
problem. Yesterday, he laughed at another boy at school who is in a
wheelchair, causing that boy to cry. He even said that he thinks you are
"funny looking." We have tried talking to him about his attitude toward
others, but nothing we've tried has worked. Can you help?
Mortified in Milwaukee
Thank you for addressing one of the most critical issues in childhood
development. Tolerance of the differences in others is paramount to
success in life - so important in fact, that it is the crux of The Fourth
Law of Xargolian Imperial Conquest. XIC4 reads as follows: Tolerance
leads to understanding; understanding leads to sympathy; sympathy leads to
shared weakness; shared weakness shines light upon the inroads to the
exploitation of your adversary.
You say you have tried talking to Dylan… apparently your techniques
are weak and ineffectual, since you flaccidly skitter to a
zlrag'nlobx'ht* alien for advice. Dylan must be taught the
difference between supremacy and superiority. Superior is relative,
whereas supreme is absolute. Within your household, Dylan is indeed the
superior, since he capriciously dances outside the lines of acceptable
behavior with little if any consequence. You upright cattle will still
feed, clothe, bathe and shelter him regardless of whom his undue haught
injures. Dylan, however, is not supreme - only The Most High Warrior-God
Xargol Of The Seven Teats is supreme - and only the supreme may act
without the concern of his vassals in mind.
This evening, Mort, you must sit Dylan down and explain the
importance of tolerance to Dylan properly - by quoting XIC4
repeatedly. Further, explain the difference between superiority and
supremacy, emphasizing that only the supreme are allowed the luxury of
intolerance. Then quiz him on this lesson.
Tomorrow morning upon waking him, ask your Dylan "Are you supreme?" If he
does anything other than reply in the negative and immediately quote XIC4,
you must challenge his ardent sense of supremacy. Start with a simple
foot race, say 400 meters, and go all out. When you defeat him, taunt
him. Do the butt-grind in his itty-bitty face as he crosses the finish
line, then fervently reiterate XIC4. Should Dylan fail his quiz the
following morning, a boxing challenge is indeed in order. Repeat these
challenges daily until he responds appropriately. A week or so of you
shouting XIC4 over his bleeding and battered husk inside a boxing ring
should effectively drive the lesson home, thus making Dylan Ified a
functioning and tolerant member of human society for years to come…
Until my Armies From the Sea annihilate your wretched species, of course.
* This word is untranslatable into any Earth language… but I'm pretty sure
Z just called you a pussy. - CK
Occasionally, when I discipline my 8-year-old daughter by taking away a
privilege because she's disobeyed me, she screams that she hates me. It
seems to me that this is disrespectful. Should I accept it as a natural
reaction or punish it?
Troubled in Tucson
Such lashing out by a subordinate merits the swiftest and most
unsparing punitive measures!
Dullard! Must I continue to inform you flesh-covered insects that
your lessers must be disciplined to adhere to the established code of
conduct for your domiciles? That real and lasting penalties will be the
price of their insolence? You so-called "parents" are nothing short of a
I am revolted! Leave me before I empty the contents of my stomach on your shoes, Troglodyte!
(Translated by Carl Knorr)