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Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

My 5-year-old son, Dylan, is intolerant of differences in other people. We thought it was a phase at first and that he might grow out of it, but now that he's in school, it has become a serious problem. Yesterday, he laughed at another boy at school who is in a wheelchair, causing that boy to cry. He even said that he thinks you are "funny looking." We have tried talking to him about his attitude toward others, but nothing we've tried has worked. Can you help?

Mortified in Milwaukee


Thank you for addressing one of the most critical issues in childhood development. Tolerance of the differences in others is paramount to success in life - so important in fact, that it is the crux of The Fourth Law of Xargolian Imperial Conquest. XIC4 reads as follows: Tolerance leads to understanding; understanding leads to sympathy; sympathy leads to shared weakness; shared weakness shines light upon the inroads to the exploitation of your adversary.

You say you have tried talking to Dylan… apparently your techniques are weak and ineffectual, since you flaccidly skitter to a zlrag'nlobx'ht* alien for advice. Dylan must be taught the difference between supremacy and superiority. Superior is relative, whereas supreme is absolute. Within your household, Dylan is indeed the superior, since he capriciously dances outside the lines of acceptable behavior with little if any consequence. You upright cattle will still feed, clothe, bathe and shelter him regardless of whom his undue haught injures. Dylan, however, is not supreme - only The Most High Warrior-God Xargol Of The Seven Teats is supreme - and only the supreme may act without the concern of his vassals in mind.

This evening, Mort, you must sit Dylan down and explain the importance of tolerance to Dylan properly - by quoting XIC4 repeatedly. Further, explain the difference between superiority and supremacy, emphasizing that only the supreme are allowed the luxury of intolerance. Then quiz him on this lesson.

Tomorrow morning upon waking him, ask your Dylan "Are you supreme?" If he does anything other than reply in the negative and immediately quote XIC4, you must challenge his ardent sense of supremacy. Start with a simple foot race, say 400 meters, and go all out. When you defeat him, taunt him. Do the butt-grind in his itty-bitty face as he crosses the finish line, then fervently reiterate XIC4. Should Dylan fail his quiz the following morning, a boxing challenge is indeed in order. Repeat these challenges daily until he responds appropriately. A week or so of you shouting XIC4 over his bleeding and battered husk inside a boxing ring should effectively drive the lesson home, thus making Dylan Ified a functioning and tolerant member of human society for years to come…

Until my Armies From the Sea annihilate your wretched species, of course.


* This word is untranslatable into any Earth language… but I'm pretty sure Z just called you a pussy. - CK

Dear Zarxnol,

Occasionally, when I discipline my 8-year-old daughter by taking away a privilege because she's disobeyed me, she screams that she hates me. It seems to me that this is disrespectful. Should I accept it as a natural reaction or punish it?

Troubled in Tucson


Such lashing out by a subordinate merits the swiftest and most unsparing punitive measures!

Dullard! Must I continue to inform you flesh-covered insects that your lessers must be disciplined to adhere to the established code of conduct for your domiciles? That real and lasting penalties will be the price of their insolence? You so-called "parents" are nothing short of a minivan-piloting pestilence!

I am revolted! Leave me before I empty the contents of my stomach on your shoes, Troglodyte!


Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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