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Church Claims Condoms Kill VATICAN CITY (DPI) - Given the go-ahead by the Vatican, Roman Catholic priests are advising their churchgoers that condoms do not prevent HIV. The church based its claim on its own research, which shows that HIV is caused by an imbalance in the four bodily humors -- Yellow Bile, Black Bile, Phlegm and Blood -- all of which are regulated by elements of the earth and alignment of the seasons. Such being the case, according to the church, only abstinence and control over the humors through careful blood-letting and skull-drilling can eradicate the disease from the fluids. Condoms trap fluids, throwing the body out of its natural equilibrium, the church research showed, and actually increases the chance of HIV. "One would be better served placing a leech in such places, which not only helpfully blood-lets, but wholly encourages abstinence for months at a time," said an unnamed Vatican science adviser. (Reported by Davejames)

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