Probe Special Report:
Anthrax the Band / Anthrax the Disease
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Type of Anthrax
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Metal Band
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Disease
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Symptoms
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- High-pitched shrieking
- Exposed breasts
- Readiness to rock
- Mullet
- Opening Act is Twisted Sister
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- Burning eyes
- Death
- Skin Lesions
- Fever
- Swollen Lymph Nodes
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Infectious Agents
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- K-102, The Metal Monkey in The Morning
- Barmaid at the Starlight on 2nd Ave.
- Local muffler repair shop
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- Aerosolized form
- Powder
- Injected
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Mortality Rate
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4% - self inflicted
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100%- untreated
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Method of Lethality
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- Self-pity induced suicide
- Head injury while banging
- Camaro accident
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- Toxic buildup in nervous system
- Lung failure
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Protective Measures
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- Avoid Rock n Bowl Thursdays
- Reading 'Utne Reader'
- Bathe
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- .25 Micron Filtration Mask
- Aerosolized Alcohol
- Hazmat cleanup suit
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Treatment
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- 2 CDs Steely Dan, injected aurally
- Discard torn T-shirts, leggings
- Haircut
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- Ciprofloxin antibiotic
- Fluids
- Rest
- Medical Supervision
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