Supreme Court Orders Microsoft to Fuck Off
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - The U.S. Supreme Court on Friday ordered the Microsoft Corporation to take a flying fuck. In a unanimous decision, the Court issued the opinion that Microsoft "should just get the fuck out of here." Speaking for the majority, Justice Atonin Scalia stated that "Microsoft needs to get the fuck out of our faces and stop wasting our time." Microsoft spokesman Jim Cullinan said his company needed time to read the decision and interpret the Court's intent. The Justice Department was quick to applaud the Court for its ruling, saying they've wanted Microsoft to get the fuck out of America's face for years now.
(Reported by Jim Griffith)
Yusuf Islam Changes Name to Cat Stevens
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - In a move reportedly "not at all motivated by fear," Yusuf Islam has changed his name to Cat Stevens. "You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do, and it's breakin' my heart in two," Islam/Stevens said during a recent visit to a local barber shop. Added Stevens, "Ooh Baby, Baby, it's a wild world." Stevens claims to have received a message from the Prophet Muhammad revealing that fame and fortune wasn't a sin after all. "Man, was that a pretty groovy thing to hear. Can you dig it? Hey, what year is this, anyway?"
(Reported by Ken Rankin)
Red Cross Uses Donations to Purchase Afghanistan
Kabul, Afghanistan (DPI) - The American Red Cross announced today that they had raised enough money to purchase Afghanistan outright. Chairman of the American Red Cross, Norman Augustine, told the press, "The outpouring of support from the American and International community has been overwhelming. After reviewing the results of the celebrity telethon, we discovered that we have collected enough money to purchase Afghanistan. Given the past 30 years of war that has torn the country, we were able to pick it up for just shy of $20 million U.S. dollars." Stunned Taliban officials quickly accepted the deal, with a spokeperson saying, "Sure, we are a spiritual people, but a buck's a buck!"
(Reported by Ross Brown, Michael Sheinbaum)
Mysterious "No Clothes Lady" Discovered on Internet
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Experts were baffled today by a photograph of a completely unclothed lady discovered on a Los Angeles-based website. According to reports, the lady appears to be ordinary in all respects except for her lack of clothing. Social scientists and psychologists are convening to discuss the photograph in detail and determine why this lady appears to be fully naked, with all of her most intimate body parts showing. Several scientists have already suggested that perhaps the lady suffers from an allergy to textile products. An FBI expert alertly pointed out that the lady didn't seem to have an allergy to spike-heeled shoes. Much, much more study is forthcoming.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Benny Hill Fundamentalists Seize Control of Monty Python Fansite
LONDON (DPI) - A fundamentalist fan group in support of Benny Hill violently took control of a Monty Python website today, ending the eight-year reign of the majority Brian Of Nazareth party. Throwing rocks and repeatedly slapping opposition forces on the backs of their bald little heads, masked demonstrators moving in fast-motion purged the site of all Holy Grail tokenism including the signature Knights Who Say "Nih" homepage and Flying Circus theme music. The current uprising is believed to be the worst infighting among rival British Cult Comedy factions since a Fawlty Towers suicide squad shut down all traffic to the Absolutely Fabulous website in 1997.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
U.S. National Guard Attacks U.S. Terrorist Training Camp
LANGLEY, VA (DPI) - Fighter bombers from the Virginia Air National Guard carried out successful strikes against CIA headquarters and the School of the Americas last night. National Guard spokesman Lt. Colonel Robert Schumann reported, "We're just happy to be doing our part in the war against terrorism. When we found out that the CIA and the School of the Americas have been providing training for terrorists around the world for years, we were shocked -- shocked and outraged! To have this kind of thing going on in our back yards made us hopping mad. Those American bastards thought they could get away with this, but we taught 'em a lesson they'll never forget."
(Reported by Tery Miesle)
Mariah Urges World to Get Back to Normal, Start Noticing Her Again
NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Singer Mariah Carey yesterday urged Americans to return to normal and put the spotlight back on her. "We were all horrified by those terrible acts, but we've had plenty of time to mourn, and now it's important to resume our routines. I'll go back to touring and recording, and likewise you must resume following every single aspect of my existence. Mmm-kay?" said Carey. "Glitter flopped in the theaters because the American people were too scared to go out. Sales of my new album are in the toilet. My life is like, totally disrupted, and this is exactly what the turban guys want. We can't let terrorism win!"
(Reported by Curtis Matthews)
Mysterious White Powder Found in Hollywood!
Aquaman Powerless Against Taliban
Fed Chair Announces Rate, Pants Hike
Dandruff Scare Closes Downtown Office; Entire I.T. Department Exposed
News Junkie Masturbates Furiously to Christiane Amanpour
Pinto Owner's Other Car Also a Decrepit Piece of Shit
FBI Arrest 1 in Sesame Street Raid
Study Confirms: Kids Didn't Used to Be So Goddamn Disrespectful
Target Corporation Announces Emergency Logo Change
Tom DeLay: "Kiss My United Ass"
Create Your Own Military Campaign Name
Comedians Confused Over Whether Limbaugh Still Fair Game
Daily Probe Labs Report:
Windows XP Preview
Rock Group Anthrax Changes Name to Anthrax Starship
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Popular heavy metal band Anthrax has decided to change their name after a third person took ill with their namesake fatal disease. The band, whose top-selling albums include Spread the Spore and The Threat is Real, felt a change was necessary. "We knew the name was carnal and destructive and unashamedly violent," said lead singer Scott Ian, "But we don't want people to think we're actually mean or anything. " After vetoing other possibilities such as Extremist Hatred and Boxcutter, the band settled on the name Anthrax Starship, saying it was more sensitive to recent world events.
(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)
Anthrax the Band / Anthrax the Disease
EPA Announces New Celebrity Emission Standards
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Environmental Protection Agency head Christine Todd Whitman announced today the passage of the Celebrity Emission Standards Act of 2001, a far-reaching piece of legislation designed to curb the quantity and frequency of noxious pollutants allowed in exhaust gasses discharged from the nation's celebrities. "We are only caretakers of this planet," explained Whitman, "and we cannot allow the fumes emanating from pompous and self-important celebrities such as Barbra Streisand to endanger our Earth." Beginning immediately, EPA officials will be present at all awards shows and press conferences with orders to turn a high-pressure fire hose directly at prima donnas such as Alec Baldwin and Sting.
(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)
CORRECTION: Ari Fleischer Not Spoon-Bending Guy
Man Named Travis Declares Self President of Travistan
TRAVAMABAD, TRAVISTAN (DPI) - In an historic proclamation today, Hawaiian secessionist Travis Ruetenik declared himself Dictator and President-For-Life of the newly-formed Nation of Travistan. The new nation stretches from the front door of Ruetenik's Waikiki apartment to ten feet beyond the edge of the balcony, where an international "neutral zone" has been declared for disposal of peanut shells. Speaking from his Presidential Recliner in downtown Travamabad, Ruetenik named his wife Vice President and Secretary for Domestic Affairs, and appointed his dog Minister of Defense. Wearing the traditional Bikini Inspector T-shirt of Travistani royalty, Ruetenik called for "Peace and understanding among all nations, and another beer from the fridge."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Today's Daily Probe
FBI terrorist suspects:
Osama def Leppard
See more FBI suspects
¤ A Nation Remembers: "Oh, yeah -- I left it on the mantle."
¤ CDC Publishes New Bio-Threat Primer: "Our Antibodies, Our Antiselves"
¤ Driver of Bumper-Stickered Minivan Thinks People Give a Shit About Her Kids
¤ Greta Van Susteran Lands Cover of Law Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for Record 8th Consecutive Year
¤ Transportation Experts: Wheels on Bus Go 'Round and 'Round
¤ Jesse Jackson Invited to Mediate Lowenstein Divorce
¤ General Motors Says "Car of the Future" Still Not Ready
¤ Large-Penised Dentist Drills Patients Mercilessly
¤ Dozens Injured in Egg Truck Crash
¤ "Osama" Overtakes "Adolf" as Most Popular Extremist Baby Name
¤ Afghan Northern Rebel Alliance Forced to Evacuate Ice Planet of Hoth
¤ Starfleet Security Mistakenly Disintegrates Child Carrying Toy Phaser
¤ KISS Army Pledges Support, T-Shirts to Ground Troops
¤ Despite Advisory, Viewer Shows No Discretion Whatsoever
¤ Mahir, Dancing Hamsters Welcome "ALL YOUR BASE" to I-RestHome.com
¤ Office Sexual Harasser Declares "Randy Johnson" Good Porno Name
or whenever we damn well feel like it.
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