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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
Serendipity
What's up? Today's movie review is Serendipity, the new movie
starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale and directed by Peter Chelsom,
director of a bunch of movies that nobody's ever heard of. What the fuck
is up with John Cusack and the chick flicks lately? Either his panties are
riding up on him or his bra strap is cutting off the air to his brain or
something. Like that America's Sweethearts movie where we're supposed
to believe that he'd dump the totally hot Catherine Zeta-Jones to get with
Julia Roberts. Yeah -- that'd fucking happen. I totally don't get why
everybody says Julia's so hot. I mean, sure -- if she was, like, standing
right in front of me at a party or something, I mean, I'm sure I'd be all
like, "Hey! What's up, Julia," and offer her a bong hit or a Leinenkugel
or something, but fuck, man, she's got teeth like a horse. I'd probably
try to look down her shirt when she was pulling one off the old Graffix
though.
Anyhow, Serendipity stars John Cusack as this girly guy who meets
Kate Beckinsale, and then they break up to see if fate or something
will bring them back together I guess. I suppose it's like that
Sting song about if you love somebody then set them free, even though that
never made any fucking sense to me. My roommate Dobie loves his dog (not
like *that*, though) but I don't see him letting Otto run away just to see
if he'll maybe come back. That's just fucking stupid, I think. Then
again, I always hated Sting so there you go. Have you ever listened to
Ten Summoners Tales? That fucking CD sucks. Karen, the total bitch I
work for at Big Burger, used to play that CD all the time and it made me
want to puke. God, I hate Karen. She's a fucking vegan but she works
at Big Burger -- how much fucking sense does that make? She wears lots of
leather too, so apparently it's bad to eat animals but wearing their hides is
totally okay in her fucking rosy little universe. She keeps talking about
moving to Portland -- I should buy her a fucking one-way on Amtrak. As soon as I'm
promoted to assistant manager though, she'll have to quit bugging me all
the time.
They said Serendipity doesn't have any violence or drugs or
nothing, so I just can't recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it
in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 1 J out of a possible 9 J's. So
till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Jean B.: No, YOU suck!!!!!!!!!
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