October 15, 2002
(The Daily Probe is skipping the October 22 issue
so that we can work on our Halloween costumes.
We'll be back with a new issue on October 29.)
Town Waist-Deep in Feces Puts Clifford the Big Red Dog to Sleep
BIRDWELL ISLAND (DPI) - Tired of Jurassic Park-sized
mounds of dog doo, residents of the community had
Clifford the Big Red Dog put down this morning.
"The monster piles of
steaming stool were only part of the problem," said Mayor Roger Watson. Every
time Clifford took a leak, the 40-plus gallons of urine
would make the whole island smell like Mardi Gras.
He's put several people in the hospital from
leg-humping. And of course, nothing was more
disgusting than watching him lick his beer ball-sized
(Reported by Miles Walker, Graphic by Michael Sheinbaum)
Yankees, Braves Fold Like Cheap Deck Chairs
NEW YORK (DPI): The Atlanta Braves and New York Yankees, the two most
dominant teams in Major League Baseball over the past decade, folded like a
cheap deck chairs under the hot-dish-and-beer-swollen asses of pasty
Midwestern cruise patrons this past week in the first-round playoffs. And
like those overstuffed vacationers, their spoiled, win-fattened
fans reacted as if their ample cabooses had been pinched and their flabby
bulks had unceremoniously hit the decks -- they cursed, moaned and then
dusted themselves off and headed back to the all-you-can-eat buffets that
are Atlanta and New York, salving their damaged egos and battered patooties
by stuffing themselves at each city's cultural and entertainment
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Bush Angered by Iraq's Plans to Fight Back
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Bush administration expressed shock at recent news
that Iraq will fight back, and perhaps even lash out in panic, if attacked.
"To think those cowards might shoot back at our airplanes, or shoot
missiles at our allies, is very disturbing," said Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld. "Our decision to overthrow their government is
no excuse for such drastic and heartless action." The military is now
revising its initial plan of being carried triumphantly through the desert
on the backs of grateful villagers before chasing Saddam Hussein through
the streets of Baghdad while cheering onlookers pelt him with rotten fruit.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Jimmy Carter Wins Nobel Peace Prize for Handling of Homicidal Rabbit
OSLO, Norway (DPI) - Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter was
awarded the Nobel Peace Prize today for not smacking
the living crap out of a crazed rabbit that attacked
him while on a fishing trip in 1979. "Mr. Carter showed
unbelievable pacifism despite an attack by a very whacked bunny," said
Gunnar Berge, head of the awards committee. "Christ, anybody that's seen
Monty Python and the Holy Grail would've trounced that
furry little bastard." Carter was also commended for not beating
the hell out of predecessor Gerald Ford following
Ford's pardon of Richard Nixon and for not
slapping Billy even once during his administration.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Bush Mixes Speeches, Proposes New War for Wealthy
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Unaware that the TelePrompTer was accidentally set
to his standard tax-cut speech, President Bush called for making war
permanent in an address to the nation last week. Saying that "good
jobs depend on more war," Bush asked Congress to authorize a series of
new wars, most aimed at the top 1 percent of wealthy Americans. Bush chided
those who think his war is too big, saying that war is even more
important during a time of deficits and stagnation. "In fact, all my
advisers agreed what we really need when the voters are troubled by a
crashing stock market and corporate fraud is a good war," Bush said.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Brolin Nearly Ready to Relinquish Money Over Streisand Dumbfuckery
Iraq Playing Keep-Away With U.N. Inspectors' Hats
Rice, Powell Under Pressure to "Hook Up"
Kmart, Stewart Embarrassed to Be Associated With Each Other
Trump to Name WTC Replacement "Trumpire State Building"
Bush Uncertain How to Wrap Iraq for Father's Day Gift
"Die America! Charities" Suspected of Funding Terrorism
NRA: Sniper Protesting 5-Day Wait Period
Stim-U-Dents Still Unopened
Scientists Discover Yet Another Pointless, Icky Bug
Overdue Library Materials Confirm bin Laden's Death
Bush Now Totally Into Nation-Building
Man With Light-Up Hat Never Buying Non-Lighting Hat Again
TOPEKA, Kan. (DPI) - Arvin Baker, 67, can't believe he's been buying archaic
headwear all these years. After procuring a battery-operated lightup
"Waikiki" cap on a recent trip to Hawaii, his life has not been the same.
"To think of the technological age we live in, where a guy can make a snazzy
statement with real electricity right from here," said Baker, pointing to
the blinking fiber-optic gadget. Baker plans a garage sale to rid himself
of all his collection of "obsolete" headgear, including his cherished Topeka
Agriculture & Farm Association 1998 cap and one that reads, "I'm Only Here
For The Beer!"
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Rumsfeld Planning Invasion of Egypt
Study: All Children Hyperactive
CHICAGO (DPI) - Novartis Pharmaceuticals, makers of the drug Ritalin,
have completed a study which conclusively shows nearly all children
suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in classroom
situations. Children ages 4 to 16 of both sexes were instructed by a
teacher to sit quietly with their heads down in a classroom that
simulated being consumed by fire. Despite the teacher's repeated
warnings, nearly 98 percent of the children exhibited behavior from "extremely
fidgety" to "defiant." Some were even so disruptive as to leave the
classroom completely. Based on these results, the drug maker and schools
have declared Ritalin a "food supplement" and plan to provide it at all
(Reported by Davejames)
Drunken Twins Fan Gives Selig "Piece of My Fuckin' Mind"
MINNEAPOLIS (DPI) - Longtime Minnesota Twins fan Mark Niebuhr of
Minneapolis had some choice drunken words for Major League Baseball
Commissioner Bud Selig following the Twins' victory over Anaheim in game
one of the American League championship series Tuesday night. "Whaddya think of that, dickhead?" inquired
Niebuhr, adding: "You think you're so smart. Who's smart now,
fuckwad? Who do you think you are, smartass? I got your contraction right
here, fucko!" All witnesses to the confrontation affirmed that Niebuhr,
though hardly clever about it, told that TV
off "real good."
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
Helsinki Shopping Center Rocked by Explosion, Twisted Sister
Rapscallion Phileas Fogg Makes Foolish Wager to Circumnavigate Globe in
Mere 80 Days
Spam for Midget Porn Causes Hysterical Blindness
Picketing Pantomimes Even More Irritating
Bill Maher Calls D.C. Sniper "Courageous"
Amateur Night Girl Anything But
WASPs Agree: Olive Garden Has Kick-Ass Italian Food
Congress Grants Bush Authority to Invade Iraq, Power of Flight, X-ray Vision
Rumsfeld Congratulates Carter on Winning "Nobel Wuss Prize"