CURRENT ISSUE 10/15/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Saddam Hussein Moth's Diary Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   Punch-Drunk Love Rating: 1 Star (out of 5) Hello sisters! I'm glad to be back. Let me say without fear of hyperbole that the last four weeks have been the most hellish weeks I've experienced in my life on Lilith's Green Earth. First of all, thanks to the "Supreme" Court of Canada, I now have to admit the disgusting penis-bearing male of the species into my classroom. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that it's because they're fur-bearing. Fortunately, close to 70 percent of the repellent sperm-shooters dropped out of the class within the first week because they realized that not only were they not welcome, but also that chances of them "scoring" with one of the wymyn in my course was about as strong as the chance of them breathing through their noses. Of course, on the opposite end of the spectrum it seems like my lectures have become quite the "cruising" ground for gay men. I'm tolerating this, but barely. As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between a gay man and a straight man is wardrobe and sibilance. And then of course there was the hell of choosing a male intern. I finally decided to split the duties between the internet geek and the fey kid simply because I have a feeling neither of them are going to be anywhere near a womyn in the near future. Or far future. Or ever. Anyhow, this week's review is Punch-Drunk Love starring idiot man-child Adam Sandler and Breaking The Waves whore Emily Watson. I cannot recommend any film in which the female lead, as fetching as she may be, finds herself romantically attracted to Adam Sandler, much less allows herself to be defiled by him. Myself, I'd rather douche with hamburger grease and lay spread-eagled in a pit of Dobermans. This film does have two things going for it, however. The first is the very realistic portrayal of the violent rage that the lesser, penis-bearing members of our society are prone to. Sandler's character is prone to violent outbursts (aren't all of them?) and his performance could be shown as a warning sign to any womyn considering getting involved with these sperm-delivery-systems. Indeed, I'd normally laud director Paul Thomas Anderson as understanding the male propensity for violence, but he also runs around with that little whore Fiona Apple, so he's obviously just a pedophiliac rapist in auteur's clothing. (And Fiona, a word. You seem like an intelligent womyn ... take my courses. I'll steer you the right way, grrl!) The second is the bitter, angry, and emasculating way Sandler's character's seven sisters treat him. In the scope of the film, his sisters are portrayed as shrill harpies who have garroted Sandler's character for years. Most may take a poor view of these soldiers, but I have the greatest respect for them! They understand the worthlessness of anyone with testicles, and torture him quite rightfully for his penile birth defect! Go grrl! Go, I say! But of course, they are portrayed quite wrongly as the villains in this piece. For shame, Paul Thomas Anderson! This director is a man who is so obsessed with his penis that all of his previous films include characters that are downright testicularly obsessed! Boogie Nights featured Mark Wahlberg sporting a phallus that was more in place in the produce section than in a film, and Magnolia featured Tom Cruise in a performance that was nothing short of a love letter to the "love rocket"! You're not fooling anyone, Anderson. (And Fiona, please, seriously, call me. We need to talk!) I may very well feature Punch-Drunk Love in my courses as a learning aid, but not the entire film. I think I'll simply show the scenes in which Sandler's sisters torture and emasculate him. It wil be a "how to" segment, and hopefully generations of wymyn will learn how to properly regard the vaginally challenged. Until then, sisters, once again, you have been warned!
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