October 19, 2005
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Today's News
"Punk'd": Kutcher, Moore Nuptuals "Totally Staged, Bitches!"
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (DPI) — The much-ballyhooed wedding of glamour couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore turned out to be an elaborate joke played on the paparazzi, according to Kutcher. "Oh yeah, those magazine bitches totally bit on it," said Kutcher. "The wedding? Totally staged. Demi and I hardly even know each other." The part-time actor and trucker cap model explains that he and Moore met each other at their tax accountant's office about three years ago and hatched an elaborate scheme on the spot to teach the rabid Hollywood press a lesson. "Dude, she's an actress and I'm the host of a practical joke show. Duh," said Kutcher. "I can't believe those retards bought it." Kutcher ended the interview by simulating gills on the side of his neck with his hands before turning his attention to his Border Nachos.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Bush Nominee Has No Arabian Horse Experience Whatsoever
WASHINGTON (DPI) — Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court, is facing criticism for her complete lack of experience as a judge of Arabian Horse Association shows. President Bush took pains to note that many past Supreme Court justices had no experience with the Arabian Horse Association. Miers, however, is finding it difficult to live up to the high professional standards set by former FEMA Director Michael Brown. Legal analysts agree that a long personal friendship with the president is an important credential for Supreme Court justices, but most consider that important experience incomplete without any familiarity with the procedures and history of Arabian horse shows.
(Reported by David Kass)
Kate Moss Inks Endorsement Deal With Cartagena Refinery Council
CARTAGENA, Colombia (DPI) — Manuel Callegas, president of the Cartagena Refinery Council, announced yesterday that his organization has signed a five-year deal with supermodel Kate Moss to represent its product. "It's truly a blessing for our cartel to have Senorita Moss so intimately acquainted with our wares," said an ebullient Callegas. "This formal agreement is our way of thanking Kate for her years of advertising on our behalf." According to marketing staffers, the 5-foot-7, 100-pound supermodel will grace print ads bearing the tagline "Cocaine ... it's what's for dinner. And breakfast. And lunch. And midnight snack ..."
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Headlines
Producers Introduce the New James Blonde
Harriet Miers Not Born-Again Enough to Satisfy GOP Evangelicals
Halliburton Wins No-Bid Contract to Rebuild Vice President Cheney
Survivor: New Orleans to Air Following World Series
O.J. Expands "Search for Real Killers" to Include Discount Pitch-n-Putt Courses
Florida Senior Falls to Late-Onset SIDS
Probeatorials
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A guest Probeatorial by Judith Miller |
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At last, I can finally report how I went to jail to save the world. Me — New York Times reporter Judy Miller.
In early 2003, Vice President Cheney revealed to me that aliens from the Planet Korflec were planning to use Iraq as a base of operations to destroy the Earth. We couldn't panic our citizens, so we had to come up with some cockamamie reason to invade Iraq. The vice president asked me, Judy Miller, to make up some stuff about weapons of mass destruction. And when the United States government asks you to save the planet, you snap your heels together and salute. He said there might even be a medal in it for me!
Really, it was just like that movie, Deep Impact, where President Morgan Freeman enlists the beautiful reporter Tea Leone to keep the approaching comet secret. Tea's so stunning, she should really star as me when they make a movie about how I, Judy Miller, saved the world.
Anyway, our government needed me to keep our cover story intact, even if that meant that people who questioned us had to be ruined, exposed, slandered, whatever. The point is that I was saving the world. And looking damned good doing it.
As for the Korflecian threat, I'm not at liberty to discuss all the juicy insider stuff only I'm privy to, but trust me, those aliens never counted on battling the likes of me, Judy Miller.
Surely my Supreme Court nomination awaits!
(Transcribed by Simon Paul)
Daily Probe In-Depth Look
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Miers: Have No Fear, She Had High Hair When Miers came on the scene in 1983, pictures show that she sported a hairdo a full 3 inches above the Texas norm. Some insist that Miers' hair height was not unusual for someone with her strong Evangelical Christian background, but such a hairdo was not easily styled and many so-called "Christians" fell short. With the early '80s came teased and piled-on hairdos and the Texas trend toward high-hairedness, and Miers had no fewer than 7 full inches of sky-reaching tresses, according to historical hairstyle expert Jennifer Gaulton. In this light, few would argue that Miers didn't evince full dedication to conservative ideals. A quick scan of photographs of abortion clinic demonstrations during the '80s reveals hairstyles so high that they often obscured the signs waved overhead. This is in sharp contrast to the "flat-haired liberals" going in and out the clinic's door. Furthering her credentials, experts such as Gaulton point out that Miers has kept a prodigious amount of forehead on display throughout much of her career, carrying on the broad forehead tradition of Kay Bailey Hutchison, Condoleeza Rice and Ann Coulter. When President Bush first nominated Harriet Miers, conservatives were surprised to see a woman with a Hillary Clinton-like hairstyle when she was at her government- health-care-creating Hillary-est. Evidence indicates, however, that Miers' recent wash- and-wear hairdo is just a ruse to ease her through the door under the Democrats' noses. Her hair may now be merely an inch high, but there's little doubt that her judicial philosophy is high-haired. |
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