(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
Cubs Fan Apologizes for Shooting JFK
CHICAGO (DPI) - Cubs fan Steve Bartman issued an apology for shooting
President John F. Kennedy in 1963. "I had my eyes
glued on the approaching motorcade the entire time and was so caught up
in the moment that I did not even see President Kennedy, much less that
he was in my line of fire," said Bartman. "Had I thought for one second that the bullet
I intended for Gov. Connally would hit the president, I would have
done whatever I could to get off of the grassy knoll and allow Kennedy a
chance to serve his term."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Osama Releases Greatest Threats Compilation
Irish Pub Night Ruined by Irish
CHICAGO (DPI) - A nice evening out for good friends Andy Bernstein and Ed
Slovek, both 36, was ruined by the presence of actual, dirty, violent Irish
at the Irish pub where the two were enjoying a beer, according to Slovek.
"We were barely into our shepherd's pie and second pint of Guinness when
these three big drunken Irish guys starting laying into us," said Slovek,
nursing a black eye with an ice pack. According to bartender Ernie O'Callahan
of the Fado pub in Chicago's River North district, surly toothless grunting
Irish louts break up Fado's pleasant Irish atmosphere at least once a night.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Lieberman Proposes That He Receive the Democratic Nomination
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (DPI) - In an effort to reinvigorate his sagging presidential
bid, Sen. Joe Lieberman issued a new proposal during his standard stump
speech in which he called for Democrats to give him the nomination. "While my colleagues propose various tax plans and
Medicare plans, I am the only Democratic
candidate who has proposed that I receive the nomination," Lieberman told the crowd. "It is so
obvious that my receiving the nomination would be the best way for us to
defeat President Bush and restore the country's sound financial footing,
and yet not a single other candidate has proposed it."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Student Shows Secret Service's Unpreparedness by
Assassinating Third-World President
WASHINGTON (DPI) - A bored college student assassinated the leader of the Republic of
Kerblonkastan, who was on a state visit to the U.S. capital, according to authorities. The unnamed District
Community College Student reportedly believed that the Secret Service had serious
security flaws, so he poisoned the president's soup, placed a bomb on his
car, piped mustard gas into his hotel, and cut the fuel line in his private
jet. "While there are
better ways to inform us of security risks, and killing someone is too
extreme, boys will be boys," said a Secret Service spokesman. A federal judge has ordered the student to write
"I will not kill heads of state" 20 times on the chalk board.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Large Deadly Predators Admit: "It's the Guns, Stupid"
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - In an informal survey, a variety of large deadly predators
admitted that it is only the threat of taking a bullet that keeps them from
killing and eating a large number of people. "To put it bluntly, it's the
guns, stupid," said an 11-foot-tall, 1,500-pound polar bear. An African lion concurred. "Yeah, we ain't
talking altruism," said the lion. "All things being equal,
man-flesh is on the menu. But things are hardly
equal." A 600-pound Bengal tiger offered this tip: "Don't screw with us,
unless you can back it up with a nice .50-caliber hunting rifle. Whack my snout with
a microphone and you're going down."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Cosmo Magazine Celebrates 40 Years of Setting Women's Movement Back 40 Years
Tarantino Explains Film in High-Pitched Squeaky Babble
Hangover Registers 8.3 on Cuervo Scale
Blaine Hosed Off From a Distance
California All Quiet Now for, What, 2 Weeks?
Mirage Calls Rumors of Siegfried, Danza Extravaganza "Premature at This Time"
Rush Enters Rehab, Won't Shut Up in Group
Dude Who Sings "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Looks Like A Lady
Bush Claims Fan Interference Caused Iraq Problems
Willie Shoemaker Now a Bottle of Elmer's
PBS Fed Up, You Cheap-Ass, Non-Pledging Shits
Muppets Take Baghdad
Wife's Latest Excuse For Not Wanting Sex Catches Hubby Off Guard
Alabama Celebrates 10,000 "General Lees"
Employees Give Up Benefits to Pay for Boss' Day Gift
MIDLAND, Texas (DPI) - Employees of Petrol Co. have voted to cancel their
health insurance to raise money to buy the company's head a Boss' Day gift of
company stock options. "Mr. (Jack) Kendrick is a great CEO, and we wanted to get him something special," said employee spokesman Karl Engel. "We
weren't really using our health insurance or pension plan anyway." If
the money saved from the canceled health and retirement plans turns out to be insufficient to buy the stock options for Kendrick, all of the employees in
the Austin office have agreed to lay themselves off. "Whatever we can do to
ease the his burden is worth it," said Engel.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Cub Curse Turns Sosa Into Horned Gargoyle
CHICAGO (DPI) - Just when the Chicago Cubs thought things couldn't get any
worse, star player Sammy Sosa yesterday mysteriously turned into a living
gargoyle. "It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen," said manager
Dusty Baker. "He
just up and turned into a damn gargoyle." Sosa told reporters he's not sure
if the famed curse, which has kept the Cubs out of the pennant race for
almost half a century, and his sudden
transformation into a mythical creature are related. "It's not like you just
this done by a surgeon," said Sosa.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Las Vegas Stars Praying for, Betting on Roy's Recovery
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - Friends and colleagues of magician Roy Horn are flocking
to his bedside to keep a vigil and, in a show of faith and
solidarity, wager large amounts of money on his recovery.
"Last I heard, the odds against him ever being able to take a dump by himself
are 97-1," said long-time friend Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller fame. "I
said a little prayer, then laid $100 grand on that action. He's been my
friend for almost 20 years, he's strong, and I believe, man. He'd do the same
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
FDA Panel Approves Breast Implants
WASHINGTON (DPI) - "Hell yeah! All for it," said the panel
chairman. "Big, round, bouncy boobies? Are you kidding me?!"
(Reported by Simon Paul)