CURRENT ISSUE 10/21/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Riding Shotgun With Adventure Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News From Travistan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!

PBS Fed Up, You Cheap-Ass, Non-Pledging Shits A guest Probeatorial by by Simon Hedgeworth, Director, PBS Annual Pledge Drive For years, PBS has provided America with hundreds of high-quality educational and cultural programs that are designed to stimulate viewers' minds and to enrich their lives. And in return, we've only asked that you, the viewing public, provide an annual modest donation that allows us to continue to offer this caliber of programming to you through the year. In spite of our gentle nudging through our annual pledge drive, many of you are clearly not doing your share. Well, we at PBS have had enough. In a nutshell, we are pretty goddamn sick and tired of you stingy little pricks. Do you think Ken Burns approaches us and says, "Hey guys, I've got a wonderful new documentary about Lewis and Clark for you, and I'm going to give it to you free of charge"? Is that how you think things work around here? Well let me tell you something you thrifty little peckers -- it doesn't. When we hire Burns to spend four years making Jazz, he bends us over. He bends us over good. Gives it to us dry, right up the ol' fudge tunnel. Same goes for the asshole who draws Clifford the Big Fucking Dog. They stick to us because they know that if we don't pay up, we'll be stuck showing reruns of 1960s documentaries about otters or some shit like that, and you people will drop us for the Discovery Channel like we have leprosy. But I digress. My point is this: It's high time for you tight-fisted little turds to pony up. We're not asking you for a fucking mortgage payment, just a few frickin' bucks. If you can afford that $35,000 ugly-assed Volvo station wagon and your goddamn yuppie organic produce and free-range chicken, you can scare up a few greenbacks in return for getting to watch the McLaughlin Group or This Old House once in a while. Jesus Christ, it won't fucking kill you, you stingy little fucks. (Transcribed by Miles Walker)

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