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October 22, 2001


Killer Calling from Inside House

YOUR HOUSE (DPI) - Authorities revealed today that the serial killer who has been murdering your friends one by one and terrorizing you by phone is calling from inside your house. This information was obtained by a police trace placed on your phone after you tried repeatedly to get the desk sergeant to take you seriously. Working with the police was noted psychologist Dr. Eric Overmeyer, who revealed that the masked murderer is a former patient of his. Overmeyer explained: "Fortunately, my former patient-turned-serial murderer has a weakness. All the police have to do is--URGHK!" Local residents were asked to remain calm -- except for you, since it is your house the killer is hiding in (probably in the old crawlspace).

(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)



Overweight Chain-Smoking Alcoholic Afraid of Dying from Anthrax

TULSA, OK (DPI) - Marla Sanderson, a 38 year old Tulsa homemaker, admits that she's petrified by the thought of contracting Anthrax, saying, "It scares the hell out of me. The thought of dying from a disease like that has me terrified." Mrs. Sanderson paused for a moment to down her Scotch, light a fresh filterless Camel and open a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll, then continued, "I can't believe that a human being would even consider doing something like this to their fellow man, I mean, what kind of monster would do that?" Since September 11, over 15,000 overweight chain-smoking alcoholics have died in this country, although none of them were exposed to Anthrax.

(Reported by Ross Brown)




Britney wrestles a boa
in the name of capitalism.


U.S. Miltary Drops Leaflets Over Afghanistan

KABUL (DPI) - Air Force planes dropped millions of leaflets on the Afghanistan capital city of Kabul yesterday, hoping to win a propaganda war against the Taliban by showing Afghani citizens the benefits of capitalism. The leaflets bore a photo of pop diva Britney Spears suggestively caressing a snake, along with the inscription, "One of our virgins is worth 42 of yours."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Jeff Scherer)



Experts: Kournikova Playboy Spread a "Statistical Inevitablilty"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Statistics experts at the Department of Standards & Measures reported this week that the chances of tennis sex-kitten Anna Kournikova posing nude for Playboy magazine were "a mathematical certainty." The announcement was met with cheers from thousands nationwide. Ms. Kournikova's agent is quoted as saying, " Anna has no immediate plans to pose nude for ANY magazine. At least, not until her ranking drops below twenty-fifth and the media drop her like a sack of fresh dogshit. Then, we'll see..." The twenty-fourth-ranked Kournikova was unavailable for comment.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, Kevin Paul Wickart)



Probe Reporter Scares Shit Out of Cat

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (DPI) - In a brief, pants-wetting moment, Probe reporter Mark Niebuhr introduced his cat to his new vibrating pager Thursday afternoon. "I tested it once, and when it started buzzing, Buta got totally freaked," commented Niebuhr. "Then I left it on the coffee table and she jumps up to check it out. Carefully, I paged myself and right when she started sniffing it, it went off. You should have seen her fucking jump halfway across the room. Oh, god." Niebuhr, calming down to wipe tears of laughter away, added simply: "She's a good cat, but d-u-m-m dumb."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)



Boy Admits to Using the Rest of the Hot Water

LEEDSVILLE, OH (DPI) - Leedsville teenager Taylor Dudley admitted to family authorities that he did indeed use up all the hot water Thursday morning, and he'd do it again. "I don't care if Bethany gets a hot shower or not. She hogs the bathroom every morning and I was sick of it." Bethany Dudley was unavailable to comment, but Mrs. Dudley was overheard saying that Taylor would be banished to evening showers until he learned to take five minutes or less.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)



Whatevercare Offers Low Cost/Low Care Health Insurance

ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - Whatevercare, the newest player in the healthcare arena, made an impact in its initial press conference by announcing a new lower cost/lower care medical insurance policy. The idea, certain to shake up things in the HMO world, features an extremely low standard of care offered for $5 a month. "Not everybody wants adequate medical care," said Whatevercare CEO Donald Brunswick. "In fact, some people are quite content with piss-poor care, and don't want to pay more than a few bucks a month for it. So basically, we just take their temperature, give them a Band-Aid, and send them on their way. Fuck 'em if they're too stupid to know better."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg, Tristan Fabriani)




Nation's Attorneys Camp Out for WTC Lawsuit Wristbands

American High School Students Call for Bombing of Iraqistan

Supreme Court Upholds "He Who Smelt It Dealt It" Decision

Grandfather Inadvertently Removes Child's Nose

Mail-Order "Powdered Sugar of the Month Club" Experiences Mysterious Decline in Sales

Firefighters in Crisis: Holes in Buckets, Hoses Too Short

Vice President Cheney Follows Undisclosed Lunch With Undisclosed Dump

Liar Hospitalized in Trouser Burning Incident

Classic Rock Fans Mourn Approaching End of Rocktober

Oh, Great: Co-worker Figures Out How to Send E-mail in Color with Multiple Fonts

More headlines


Probe Special Report: Cartoonists Struggle With Recent Events

My Semen is a Cure for Anthrax

Group Hug Record Effort Goes Tragically Awry

FDA Promotes New "All-American" Food Pyramid

Fundamentalist Jedi Terrorists Destroy Death Star

Disney's Sleeping Beauty Cancelled; Snoozing Princess Failed to Capture Young Viewers

Larry King Live: What to Do About Afghanistan



Boy Buys X10 Wireless Camera for Non-Sexual Purpose

CANTON, OH (DPI) - Local youth Joey Danson, age 11, explains, "I purchased the X10 wireless camera from one of those annoying internet pop-up ads. But I bought it so I could put it in the tree outside and watch a mama bird feed the baby birds." Joey's friends were livid. Paul Johnson, age 12, said, "Joey's 15 year old sister was having a slumber party last night with, like, lots of friends. A slumber party! But the camera was, like, up in that damned tree! Oh, the humanity!"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)



"Jihad" Latest Euphemism for Menstrual Period

TOLEDO, OH (DPI) - A new study by the American Linguistic Society shows that "declaring a jihad" has surpassed "fighting an unholy war" as the most popular euphemism for "having a menstrual period." In third place was "game day for the Crimson Tide," while "taking Carrie to the prom" moved up two notches to fourth. "Massacre at the Y" rounded out the top five.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)



Travistani Opposition Party Protests Unwashed Dishes

TRAVAMABAD, TRAVISTAN (DPI) - The fledgling Nation of Travistan suffered another major challenge today as a fringe opposition group consisting of the wife of Dictator and President-For-Life Travis Ruetenik spoke out against the nation 's mounting dirty dish surplus. In a tense standoff on the outskirts of Travamabad's kitchen district, the two sides began to negotiate terms of a Washbasin Maintenance Treaty. Said President Travis, "Despite my unquestionable authority as Dictator, we continue to work with the opposition groups to quell civil unrest and make for a more peaceful Travistan." The current negotiations are perhaps the most serious for the apartment-nation since the Toxic Catbox Waste Disposal Act of last Tuesday afternoon.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Nike Unveils New "Jordan 2001" Logo:





CORRECTION

Upon publication of our recent article Roger Hancock Can Burn, Burn, Burn in Hell, it was brought to our attention that Mr. Hancock was actually cleared of all charges. The Probe apologizes for any detrimental effect this article may have had upon Mr. Hancock. We also regret our allusions to his sexual orientation, questionable parentage, and most of all, our saying he "deserves to be rounded up and shot like the sick, slobbering dog that he is." Furthermore, the Probe wishes to apologize for entreating the population at large to "kill the bastard." In light of recent information, referring to his wife and daughters as "stanking ho-bags" also now seems a bit ill-advised.

(Reported by Peter Rogers)



World News

¤   Confused Terrorists Kill Martin Sheen

¤   1st Airborne 7-11 Infantry Drops Slim Jims, Cheddar Crackers to Hungry Afghan Stoners

¤   CIA Seeks Inside Info from Abdul "Huggy Bear" Abdula

¤   Royal British Medical Society Declares Dentistry "Witchcraft"


Domestic News

¤   Mime Remains Silent on Embezzling Charge

¤   Urban Legend E-mail Company Quickly Expands Sappy Patriotic E-mail Division

¤   Proofreaders of America Hold Annual Covnention

¤   Afghan Hound Dyed Red, White and Blue in Moronic-Ironic Patriotic Display

¤   Rural Missouri Couple Convinced NYC Trip is Their Patriotic Duty

¤   Auto Parts Counter Guy's Chunk of Concrete No Longer Berlin Wall; Now WTC Rubble

¤   Stoned Guy at Party Incessantly Volunteers to Invade Amsterdam


Entertainment

¤   Bin Laden Vehemently Denies Responsibility for Emeril

¤   Kevin Bacon Questioned by FBI; Only 5 Degrees from Hijackers

¤   The Diary of Anne Thrax Voted Shittiest New Play


Science/Tech

¤   Millions of AOL Users Terrified by Rumors of Anthrax-Tainted E-mail


Sports

¤   NASCAR Approves Mandatory Beverage-Restraining Device

¤   Red-Shirt Freshman Killed by Klingons

¤   Major League Soccer Championship Rumored to Have Been Played Sunday

¤   Car and Drinker Magazine Names O.J. Driver of the Year

¤   Allen Iverson Nixes Rap Album, Still Scares Whitey




The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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