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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
The Last Castle
What's up? Today's movie review is The Last Castle, the new
movie starring Robert Redford and Tony Soprano and directed by Rod
Lurie, the director of The Contender and Deterrence. Is it just
me or is Redford's face totally shriveling up like a prune? The guy
must be like 80 or something. His face totally has the texture of
those old The Old West Time-Life books, like fake hand-tooled
saddle leather. Remember those? Those books fucking ruled.
Redford's probably really cool in real life though, so I shouldn't
pick on him in case I bump into him at some rich dude's party and he
wants to kick my ass or something. Dudes with faces made of
hand-tooled saddle leather can probably kick your ass pretty fucking
quick, and shit man -- I got asthma. A couple bong hits though and I bet
me and Redford would totally be like best friends.
Anyway, The Last Castle stars Redford as like this big-time general who
gets put in like a military prison run by Tony Soprano, and then Redford
pulls like an Attica riot or something. You know that guy who plays
Christopher Soprano? He totally looks like this total prick from my old
high school. Everybody hated that guy. He was a total loser, always wore
a fucking tie, dated this chick with huge cans. Sure, he got like a
perfect score on his SAT's, sure that was in all the fucking papers, but
still. That and the whole homecoming king thing I guess, but that kid was
a total tool. I think he's a junior aide for a senator now. I bet
Senator What's-His-Name thinks the kid's a fucking tool, too. I should get
Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, to run for some fucking
public office and get out of my fucking hair. I totally hate Karen. I
guess somebody told her about my new gig as a well-respected movie
reviewer too -- she wants to talk to me about "some rumors she heard"
tomorrow. She can't fire me and she fucking knows it -- only Dean can do
that, and I'm like totally down with Dean. Hopefully he'll promote me to
assistant manager pretty quick here so I can get Karen off my back.
The Last Castle looks like it's got plenty of violence and maybe
some drugs, so I can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll
have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 8 J's out of a
possible 8 J's. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Steve S., Portland OR: No, YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!!!
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